Uninvited Guests Are Best

CHEEEEEEEERS BITCHES!! WHAT’S WRONG?  DO YOU HAVE A SUPER BOWL PARTY HANGOVER?  WHAT A SHAME, BECAUSE I DON’T…

No sirree Bob, I sure as hell don’t, and it is…NICE!!

After a cold and brutal slog from 11-7 at the Beer Mine yesterday, I hopped into the Bagwine Mobile, cranked up some Scorpions, and set off for a Super Bowl soiree which was being held by my longtime, yet newly re-discovered friend, Nancy.

Upon locating her cottage like abode which is safely and snugly nestled upon a road less traveled, I parked, popped the trunk, grabbed a couple of Colt 45’s from nippy bag, and walked toward the door of Casa de Nancy.

Before I could reach the entrance, I was accosted by two diminutive dogs whose collective bravado was as large as their bodies were tiny.  While they nipped at my ankles, their simultaneous yipping and yapping provided a clarion call to Mizz Nancy, alerting her to let me in.

And upon her opening the door, and I seeing the glorious face of my friend, I step by careful step, proceeded into her warm and welcoming wigwam of Super Bowl frivolity.

Two seconds in and a set of misplaced fireplace tools which I helped Nancy to knock over later, I shunned my winter coat, pulled the Colt 45’s out and said, “Hi Y’all.”

After the lovely Nancy put one of my beers in the fridge, and as I was opening the other, she introduced me to the ensemble…

“Name redacted (ex-husband) and Name redacted (current boyfriend), this is Matt.”

I stood there, and felt the crushing weight of societal hierarchies crashing down upon me as these two jokers eyeballed me, looked at Nancy, back at me again, and all while thinking to themselves…

“Well Ms. Vale…Another rooster in the henhouse.”

And then?  Well…the Colt 45 tasted pretty good, so I got over that within seconds, and Nancy introduced me to her 18 year old son.

I could tell quickly that her son Sam liked me, because within two minutes, he was calling me, Matt-Man.  He and I talked politics, sports, advertising, fiction vs. non-fiction, and well, we shared a smoke outside together. We bonded.

Ex husband and new boyfriend soon left, perhaps 20-25 minutes after my arrival which was kind of hurtful because it made me think…

“Are you leaving because you are offended that I smell like my Beer Mine customers and am beneath you, or are you leaving because I am so fucking AWESOME!!?”

Uh-huh…I think we all know the answer to that…it was the Colt 45.  Beer Snobs.  I could tell immediately.

Anyhoo…

The tiny male dog, Oscar, began to hump my cold stiff shoe.  The lights went out at the Superdome, and the phone rang.  There would be a couple of Nancy’s friends stopping by after their AA meeting.

So, here I am, sitting on the couch with her son, with a dog humping my foot, and a beer in my hand waiting upon the arrival of two AA meeting attendees, and I’m thinking…

“This is fucking AWESOME; I can‘t wait to tell Jayman!!”

Upon their arrival, I found them both to be very nice, and I stayed til’ the bitter end of the game. Although…I kinda just held my final beer and didn’t drink it.

Although I wish I could have talked to Nancy more as I haven’t seen her in nearly seven years, it was great to see her again, and meet her son, who while high strung, is a good guy, I had a good time.

I want to thank good ol’ Nancy for caving into my demands that I be allowed to come over inviting me to her home, and sharing her kindness and that of her son with me.

It was a nice time, but Nancy?  I need to come back…because Schmoop goes to bed early often, and I bet your boyfriend travels once in awhile, and after all…

Your son did ask you midway through the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl…

“Mom?  Can Matt-Man stay all night?”

I loooooove that boy!!

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

P.S.  Also, Saturday night was an EPIC episode of I'm With Stupid. It started out with typical witty and charming banter between Jayman and Matt-Man and later turned into an ALL OUT WAR! That's right kids, Sunshine State Shirley and Justin both called in and IT WAS ON! Justin and Shirley went to war almost immediately. It was AWESOME! Check it out.

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Posted by: Tukiyooo Uninvited Guests Are Best Updated at : 11:01 PM

Sunday, February 3, 2013