Learning to love....myself

Since I didn't feel very good this morning, I decided to stay home from work today. Instead, I curled up in front of the TV where I discovered Ruby on Netflix. I had a Ruby marathon. I've never watched her show. I spent three hours watching Ruby and her weight struggles, and reading weight loss blogs.  It was a perfect day.<br /><br />Around 3pm I decided I'd better go to the gym. Watching Ruby kind of scared me. Ruby and I have too much in common. I can see how I could easily slip into my old lifestyle, eating poorly and not exercising daily.<br /><br />After the gym I went to Barnes and Noble. I had to have the 4HB book right now. 4HB is <span class="h3color tiny"></span>The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman. I know, silly title, but a few people have recommended it and it seems to be working for them. I thought maybe something new would work for me since I've been struggling for the last several months.<br /><br />The 4HB book is a huge hardback, very thick and very large. I glanced through it, looking at the graphs and charts, skimming through the book, reading a few sentences here and there. Then I stood there and stared at all those weight loss books. There are several shelves of this type of book, each one promising a miracle. I recognized several of them since I already own them, some I've read, some I've started but never finished. <br /><br />As I held the 4HB book in my hands, I thought, do I really need this? Is this the book that will fix me? I didn't like some of the things I read. It sounded really restrictive, with a cheat day. I've never been good with a cheat day. I just don't like the idea of throwing away a week's worth of work to cheat on one day. <br /><br />Then a book caught my eye. "A Course In Weight Loss". Then I saw the author's name and almost didn't even pull the book off the shelf. It's by Marianne Williamson. I saw her years ago on Oprah. I had an immediate dislike for her new age religion mumbo jumbo. Actually, I often have a dislike for someone that Oprah gushes over and promotes. I'm sure Oprah is a nice person in real life, but honestly, sometimes she annoys me on her TV show.<br /><br />I opened the book and realized I had looked at it before, and didn't purchase it because of the author. I flipped the book open to page 93 and read the following:<br /><br /><i>Lesson 7:  Love Your Body </i><br /><i><br /></i><br /><i>Love, and love only, produces miracles. Your primary work in doing this course is to identify where there is a lack of love in your life, and be willing to address it.</i><br /><i><br /></i><br /><i>That includes your love of self, and your body is part of who you are If you love your body when you're thin but hate it when you're not, then you love yourself conditionally, which is not love at all. If you can't love your body, you can't really love yourself.</i><br /><i><br /></i><br /><i>"But how can I love my body when I hate the way it looks?" you might ask.</i><br /><i><br /></i><br /><i>Begin by asking yourself:  What are you hating your body for?  For being overweight? It didn't do this to you; you did this to it! You haven't been abused by your body; your body has been abused by you. And yet, unlike you, it has continued to hold up its side of the relationship. It has continued to function as best it can, even though you have made it harder. It has borne excess pounds, even though it has been a burden to do so. And it has continued to support you, even though you have often failed to support it. </i><br /><br /><i>Is it your body you hate, or its size? And since all negative emotions derive from fear, if you hate your body, you must fear something. What is that? Do you fear ridicule? Or is your deeper fear--one that overrides your fear of being overweight--a fear that you'll be punished if you try to "play big" in life? Again, what are you afraid of?</i><br /><br />I was hooked. It was like she was speaking directly to me. I know I need to learn how to love myself right now. Not when I lose another thirty or forty pounds, but right now, as I am this very moment. I need to get over the constant hate of myself. What I've been doing isn't working for me. It's not the life I want to live. I want to learn how to love...starting with me.

Learning to love....myself

Since I didn't feel very good this morning, I decided to stay home from work today. Instead, I curled up in front of the TV where I discovered Ruby on Netflix. I had a Ruby marathon. I've never watched her show. I spent three hours watching Ruby and …

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31 weeks

<p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjApZ5UH0Cnk3SGQv1l6X24xWBn_HzNUcROF-zvbWSBSbXqaezSzKCPHqasabRJmDhpdR2aXR9wL-xUejmhAaBoyMJoyIdoApbpUy7LViGEx1BsiPAEzzux1K13gff8zz0VcADghLBMBhZr/s1600-h/31%20weeks%20-%204.20.11%5B3%5D.jpg"><img alt="31 weeks - 4.20.11" border="0" height="537" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVx7L147ozu0ph1XP85H59rMpOSKxQCcMrgnesilrGl7EBskZe2Hz1jpVIuESLsM53E2krqbn_JVCdn9x7rxIUQhIHmqaNZ_ygVrW3uWKKScp0WmJXld5fpIV6MLaSbnbF5EnBdcg3bFtt/?imgmax=800" style="border-top-width: 0px; display: block; border-left-width: 0px; float: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-right-width: 0px" title="31 weeks - 4.20.11" width="404"></a> </p> <p><strong>How Far Along:</strong> 31 Weeks, 6 days….Thursday is the 32 week mark! <p><strong>Size of baby:</strong> Baby Bangert is the weight of 4 navel oranges, about 3.3 pounds, and over 16 inches long from head to heel. <p><strong>Maternity Clothes:</strong> I wear maternity jeans, pants, and I’ve recently started wearing a few shirts I got from my sister. I’m still squeezing into a few regular things though, like the tee in my picture again this week! My regular shirts are getting much shorter though! <p><strong>Gender:</strong> It’s a girl!!! We’re still working on names…I sure hope we can get one picked out soon! <p><strong>Movement: </strong>She is a busy little girl! I feel her moving around all throughout the day. I love it though…there is a tiny little life inside me! <p><strong></strong><strong>Sleep:</strong> Eh, it’s progressively getting harder to get to sleep & stay asleep! I’m not the best side sleeper and I wake up on my back quite a bit. Plus a few bathroom runs! <p><strong>What I miss:</strong> Sleeping on my stomach, a bigger selection of clothes, and buying regular clothes (the maternity section needs to expand)! <p><strong>Cravings:</strong> No major cravings this week. I am quickly finding out the bigger she gets the less I eat…I get full SO fast! <p><strong>Symptoms:</strong> Feeling well for the most part, just very achy & tired by the end of the the day. <p><strong>Best Moment this week:</strong> Friday I spent the evening with family! Almost 20 people = good family fun! My cousin from WI came down to visit for the weekend. She is expecting her 2nd boy due August 27th. We enjoyed all things “baby” talk! Unfortunately I didn’t take any pictures that night. :( <p>Kyle and I also had our first prenatal class this week. We learned lots of great information, maybe a little too much for Kyle’s liking! ;)</p>

31 weeks

How Far Along: 31 Weeks, 6 days….Thursday is the 32 week mark! Size of baby: Baby Bangert is the weight of 4 navel oranges, about 3.3 pounds, and over 16 inches long from head to heel. Maternity Clothes: I wear maternity jeans, pants, and I’ve re…

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Why I'm so hard on myself

<i>Originally, the comments were off on this post, but I seriously hate it when someone posts something and I have something to say and can't. Makes me just a bit crazy. So I turned the comments back on, in case there are other nut cases out there like me. :) </i><br /><br />I've been thinking about writing this post for a very long time, probably years.<br /><br />Almost weekly I get a comment on my blog that's basically the same thing, asking me the same questions:  Diana, why are you so hard on yourself? Why don't you love yourself for who you are now?<br /><br />I get these same comments in my real world too. Well meaning friends often ask me why I'm so negative about myself, why I'm continually putting myself down, beating myself up over my weight as well as many other things. Even when I had lunch with Grace and Roxie in March, Roxie said the same thing to me (said with compassion). <br /><br />I know these comments and questions about how I don't value myself are said from the heart and meant to help me. For some reason that I can't explain, I find them hurtful. I usually immediately get defensive and almost always want to cry because I know it's true. I know it's really stupid to feel hurt, and it doesn't make any sense to anyone except to me.<br /><br />It's feels like in addition to being fat, stupid, and ugly, now I have a personality flaw:  I don't value myself. <br /><br />I realize that people who say these things to me don't really mean it as an insult, they're merely trying to help me and boost my self-confidence. I hold nothing against anyone who has made these types of comments or asked these questions. If anything, I know you're compassionate and caring.<br /><br />I really wish I knew why I feel this way about myself. I guess I just don't see what other people see. I look at pictures of myself or look in the mirror or even look at my soul. I don't see anyone worthwhile or attractive or even healthy. I see a fat, middle-aged woman barely hanging on. <br /><br />I know this is something I need to work on, just not today.

Why I'm so hard on myself

Originally, the comments were off on this post, but I seriously hate it when someone posts something and I have something to say and can't. Makes me just a bit crazy. So I turned the comments back on, in case there are other nut cases out there like …

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Staying Busy...

I recently started reading this <a href="http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/fordieters/devotional-for-dieters-4-or-20-553008.html">Daily Devotional for Dieters</a>.  What I like about this devotional is that it's short, sweet and to the point.  I also like the "Today's Thought".  I know that the only way this weight is going to come off once and for all is if I put my <i>full </i>faith in God.  Obviously relying on just myself and my own "know-it-all" mentality has gotten me no where, so really Hilary, let's try something different for a change.  <br /><br />Today's thought was this: <i>"The busier I keep myself, the thinner I get!"</i><br /><br />I don't know about you, but I've definitely found myself eating on more than SEVERAL occasions simply out of boredom!  And I don't mean just grazing the food cabinets here and there.  I mean "Hey, I've got nothing goin' on - let's go out to lunch/dinner!".  <i>(If Joel finds himself reading this particular post, I'm sure you would agree with me!)</i> <br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdZoVYu5HZyDui2RTriTpO5EJh98rN9bPG5C9l96r8yN9o3Hscf_WRXNxXhCbEgROmXNQkzZJflAirURcxc5zH2DAqox3y2KoHCszGA5V7wHO0A_EbvGVGOqLF3YdrTWqZwBEKj61OFso/s1600/garfield.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdZoVYu5HZyDui2RTriTpO5EJh98rN9bPG5C9l96r8yN9o3Hscf_WRXNxXhCbEgROmXNQkzZJflAirURcxc5zH2DAqox3y2KoHCszGA5V7wHO0A_EbvGVGOqLF3YdrTWqZwBEKj61OFso/s1600/garfield.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Courtesy of <a href="http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://lizrios.com/photos/i_dont_have_time_to_be_this_busy.jpg&imgrefurl=http://lizrios.com/2005/04/&usg=__Vc6VAGrw0T1XWjn1z0ELDZViykA=&h=338&w=450&sz=26&hl=en&start=30&sig2=pjL27Fd-JGDSo6DTtUwbXw&zoom=1&tbnid=_gXzfW5PCj9oCM:&tbnh=95&tbnw=127&ei=LgevTaqeGubs0gGb14GfCw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dbusy%2Bpeople%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1680%26bih%3D847%26gbv%3D2%26tbm%3Disch0%2C342&itbs=1&biw=1680&bih=847">here</a>.</td></tr></tbody></table><br />This same idea rings true for me at work.  I don't often have a lot going on from day to day, and as a result, I find myself eating when I'm not really hungry.  It has not been an uncommon practice for me to have eaten nearly all of my PointsPlus values before I even leave work for the day!  Which then probably begs the question, "how is that even possible?"  I tend to bring probably WAY more snacks than what I really need to get me through the work day.  But that's another issue for another time :).<br /><br />On the, sadly, more <i>rare </i>occasion that I do have a busy work day, I find that I can go almost until lunchtime before I've ever even taken a bite of food!  I wake up at 5 AM people - that's a LONG time without eating!  And this <i>has </i>happened to me before, not as often as the situation described above, but it has happened several times.  It's an amazing feeling to discover that "Hey - it's now 12 PM and I haven't eaten a single thing all day."  And, what has happened in the past, and not always but it has been known to happen, is that I will go hog wild and think that I can start shoveling food in my face to make up for the lack of eating in the morning.  Even if I'm not starving to begin with.  Even IF I was starving by noon, but ate a sensible lunch and felt satisfied - hey, I still have all those PointsPlus from the morning that I haven't yet consumed - I need to make up for it!  Nevermind the fact that I could actually listen to my body and ask myself "Are you actually still hungry? Do you need more fuel?"  This is why it's good for me to eat breakfast everyday, I'd venture to say, even if I'm NOT hungry.  That way foolishness doesn't take place later!<br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFzqKuDgZNiAi5wdXThSYnsRc02I81CR2mLjjmU4fNSeSAh3E9xjgY7KZdq3SnjK18zFaUrNBLOr5Yliz4FA2h2XuWziEsUNoAMBvTeQu-x_BYvDebR1rLNYRJkhlMj6ZQQCyzC4PUyv4/s1600/fishing+boredom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFzqKuDgZNiAi5wdXThSYnsRc02I81CR2mLjjmU4fNSeSAh3E9xjgY7KZdq3SnjK18zFaUrNBLOr5Yliz4FA2h2XuWziEsUNoAMBvTeQu-x_BYvDebR1rLNYRJkhlMj6ZQQCyzC4PUyv4/s320/fishing+boredom.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is an inside joke, but still fitting.  Courtesy of <a href="http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/archives/2003/Aug/">here</a>.</td></tr></tbody></table>The bottom line is this - I don't like feeling 'hungry'... I don't like that uncomfortable, stomach rumbling feeling.  I panic at the mere thought of it.  Why?  Because I'm afraid what might happen if I'm struck with those hunger pains and I have no 'good' snack options around. Then I just might decide to say "screw it" and find the nearest fast food joint.  <br /><br />Also, this very "thought" was what inspired me to sign up for <a href="http://the-big-weight.blogspot.com/search/label/5K">so many 5K's</a>.  It has given me something to focus on both leading up to the event and the day of the event.  It keeps me busy and it keeps me focused on the Goal. Otherwise, I'd be sitting in my bedroom on the weekends, most likely eating, wasting energy, and wrestling with the thoughts of: how much I hate living in this town, how much I wish that nursing school could be over and I could start working as an RN, how much I wish I could lose this weight, and how much I just want to find the perfect place to live, with the perfect house and yard and husband (aka Joel), etc etc etc.  You know, the American Dream.    <br /><br />I hate long posts and I just exceeded my limit!  Share your thoughts with me...

Inspiration Staying Busy...

I recently started reading this Daily Devotional for Dieters.  What I like about this devotional is that it's short, sweet and to the point.  I also like the "Today's Thought".  I know that the only way this weight is going to come off once and for a…

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Hungry Girl Cooking: Blueberry Apple Pancake Shake-Up

<h2 style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">To continue on with my <a href="http://prittygoodbooks.blogspot.com/2011/04/hungry-girl-cooking-eggamuffin-101.html">cookbook challenge</a>, this week's breakfast is another one taken from <a href="http://www.hungry-girl.com/books/1">Hungry Girl's first cookbook</a>.</span></span></h2><h2 style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u></u></span></h2><blockquote><h2 style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u>Blueberry Apple Pancake Shake-Up</u> - <i>6 PointsPlus</i> <br /><i style="color: black;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br />Ingredients:</span></i></span></h2><ul><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">1/3 c regular oats</span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">2 T dry pancake mix <i>(I used Fiber One pancake mix)</i></span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">1/3 c peeled & finely chopped apple</span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">1/4 c blueberries</span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">1/4 c egg substitute</span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">1 T fat free cottage cheese <i>(this is too sour for me, so I used 1%)</i></span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">1/4 t vanilla extract</span></span></span></li><li><span style="font-size: small;"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient" style="font-weight: normal;"><span itemprop="name">1 T Splenda <i>(I initially used 11 packets of Sweet 'n Low to equal 1 Tbsp - more on this later!)</i></span></span></span></li></ul><div id="ingredients"><span itemprop="ingredient" itemscope="" itemtype="http://data-vocabulary.org/RecipeIngredient"> </span> </div><i>Directions: </i><br />Place all ingredients except for the blueberries and apples in a medium bowl. Add 3 T of water and stir until thoroughly mixed.<br /><br />Gently fold in apples and blueberries.<br /><br />Over medium heat, in a large pan sprayed with nonstick spray, evenly pour batter to form 3 pancakes. Once pancakes begin to look solid (after about 3 minutes), gently flip.<br /><br />Cook for 3 additional minutes, or until both sides are lightly browned and insides are cooked through. now plate your pancakes and enjoy.<br /><br />Number of Servings: 1</blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdtxw_Cd1PGDOoaOuPJe-uvcm1n5o8vX7oucFvg2nnEDs6XBGsbPTG9BoCyLbXNIQB7alQiSUbUjXBYFM5pPbzW-_hkJgdP1Ds34FeAmyBsqQXf3-1O_K4Z5fZ4RFTyTN0YYOVRoFddpk/s1600/blueberry+pancakes.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdtxw_Cd1PGDOoaOuPJe-uvcm1n5o8vX7oucFvg2nnEDs6XBGsbPTG9BoCyLbXNIQB7alQiSUbUjXBYFM5pPbzW-_hkJgdP1Ds34FeAmyBsqQXf3-1O_K4Z5fZ4RFTyTN0YYOVRoFddpk/s320/blueberry+pancakes.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><i><br /></i><span class="black13B"></span><br />Since Splenda upsets my stomach, I use the cuter pink packets :).  <b>However, I'm not sure that 1 Tbsp of Splenda granules would equal 1 Tbsp <i>worth </i>of Splenda packets.  Do you know?</b>  I did, in fact, use that method for the Sweet 'n Low packets, and it took me 11 packets to make 1 Tbsp.  Folks, don't try this at home!  It was WAY too sweet and had too much of a fake sugar taste.  Fortunately I realized this after the first batch and so I cut the packets down to 9, which was still not enough elimination.  Next time I'll try just 6 packets and see how that fairs.  Other than that mishap, the pancakes were delicious and very filling.  I poured just a little bit of light pancake syrup over top because they are still dry like a regular pancake.  <br /><span class="black13B"></span>

Weight Watcher Recipes Hungry Girl Cooking: Blueberry Apple Pancake Shake-Up

To continue on with my cookbook challenge, this week's breakfast is another one taken from Hungry Girl's first cookbook.Blueberry Apple Pancake Shake-Up - 6 PointsPlus Ingredients:1/3 c regular oats2 T dry pancake mix (I used Fiber One pancake mix)1/…

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