News for today's 2018

NRA: We're safe from guns except in 413 places

2:45 PM Tukiyooo 0

<div id="bloghead"> <div class="graphic-header" id="index_headers"> <h2 id="indhed"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/" title="The Borowitz Report"><img alt="The Borowitz Report" height="72" src="http://www.newyorker.com/images/headers/ANDY_BOROWITZ_banner_N.gif" width="400" /></a></h2></div></div><div class="postNav top"> </div><div class="published" title="2013-11-06T09:18:53">November 6, 2013</div> <div class="byline">Posted by <cite class="vcard author"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/bios/andy_borowitz/search?contributorName=Andy%20Borowitz" rel="author" title="search site for content by Andy Borowitz">Andy Borowitz</a></cite></div> <div class="socialUtils"> </div> <div class="entry-content"><article> <img alt="boro-gun-study.jpg" class="mt-image-center" height="266" src="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/boro-gun-study.jpg" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 20px; text-align: center;" width="400" /> WASHINGTON (<a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/">The Borowitz Report</a>)—A new study released today indicates that Americans are safe from the threat of gun violence except in schools, malls, airports, movie theatres, workplaces, streets, and their own homes. Also: highways, turnpikes, libraries, places of worship, parks, universities, restaurants, post offices, and cars. Plus: driveways, garages, gyms, stores, military bases—and a host of other buildings, structures, and sites. <div id="entry-more">National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre applauded the study, saying that it reinforced his organization’s long-held position that the United States does not need additional gun laws. “This study makes it abundantly clear that Americans are in no danger of gun violence except in these isolated four hundred and thirteen places,” he said. He added that he hoped that the study would spark a conversation “about the root cause of mass shootings: people who recklessly show up at places where they could be shot at.” Photograph by Victor J. Blue/Bloomberg via Getty.</div></article> </div>

BOROWITZ NRA: We're safe from guns except in 413 places

…

Lying expert says Obama is amateurish

12:49 PM Tukiyooo 0

<div id="bloghead"> <div class="graphic-header" id="index_headers"> <h2 id="indhed"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/" title="The Borowitz Report"><img alt="The Borowitz Report" height="72" src="http://www.newyorker.com/images/headers/ANDY_BOROWITZ_banner_N.gif" width="400" /></a></h2></div></div><div class="postNav top"> </div><div class="published" title="2013-11-04T08:30:47">November 4, 2013</div> <div class="byline">Posted by <cite class="vcard author"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/bios/andy_borowitz/search?contributorName=Andy%20Borowitz" rel="author" title="search site for content by Andy Borowitz">Andy Borowitz</a></cite></div> <div class="socialUtils"> </div> <div class="entry-content"><article> <img alt="boro-romney-meet.jpg" class="mt-image-center" height="272" src="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/boro-romney-meet.jpg" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 20px; text-align: center;" width="400" /> WASHINGTON (<a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/">The Borowitz Report</a>)—President Obama has imperiled his second term by lying to the American people, one of the nation’s foremost lying experts said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press.” The accusation carried weight, observers said, coming as it did from a legendary figure in the high-stakes world of competitive lying. He was harshly critical of Mr. Obama’s fibbing, calling it “amateurish at best,” contrasting the President’s lack of lying experience with his own half-century of dishonesty. <div id="entry-more">“The American people deserve a President who is a world-class liar,” he said. “Sadly, they do not have that President.” Speaking from experience, he said that he had learned “the hard way” just how difficult lying can be: “Just when you think you’ve gotten away with it, there’s someone with a hidden camera catching you telling the truth.” He said that it was possible that the President “might grow as a liar” in the remaining three years of his term, but he was not optimistic. “Lying isn’t something you can just pick up on the job,” he said. “Maybe President Obama would be better off leaving it to us professionals.” Photograph by Alex Wong/Getty.</div></article> </div>

BOROWITZ Lying expert says Obama is amateurish

…

GOP reveals its own health care plan - EmergencyRoom.gov

11:05 AM Tukiyooo 0

<div id="bloghead"><div class="graphic-header" id="index_headers"><h2 id="indhed"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/" title="The Borowitz Report"><img alt="The Borowitz Report" height="72" src="http://www.newyorker.com/images/headers/ANDY_BOROWITZ_banner_N.gif" width="400" /></a></h2></div></div><div class="postNav top"></div><div class="published" title="2013-10-31T09:42:54">October 31, 2013</div> <div class="byline">Posted by <cite class="vcard author"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/bios/andy_borowitz/search?contributorName=Andy%20Borowitz" rel="author" title="search site for content by Andy Borowitz">Andy Borowitz</a></cite></div> <div class="socialUtils"> </div> <div class="entry-content"><article> <img alt="er-web.jpg" class="mt-image-center" height="262" src="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/er-web.jpg" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 20px; text-align: center;" width="400" /> WASHINGTON (<a href="http://bit.ly/NhEEu0" target="_blank">The Borowitz Report</a>)—Saying that “the American people are fed up with a disastrous Web site that doesn’t work and never will,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and a phalanx of congressional Republicans today unveiled their own health-care Web site, EmergencyRoom.gov. “At EmergencyRoom.gov, every American can access the one tried-and-true health-care system that has worked in this country for decades,” he said. <div id="entry-more">While Healthcare.gov has frustrated many users with its difficult-to-navigate design, Rep. Cantor said that at EmergencyRoom.gov, “Health care is just three easy steps away. One: enter your zip code. Two: see the list of emergency rooms. Three: get to the nearest one before you die.” The Virginia Republican wasted no time touting the cost savings of EmergencyRoom.gov, comparing it favorably with the notoriously expensive Obamacare site: “Unlike Healthcare.gov, which private contractors built at a cost running into the hundreds of millions, EmergencyRoom.gov was built for nine hundred dollars by my intern Josh.” And in contrast with Healthcare.gov’s maze of forms, links, and phone numbers, he said, “EmergencyRoom.gov has just one phone number: 9-1-1.” In what may be the strongest selling point for the new site, Rep. Cantor said that the wait time on EmergencyRoom.gov is “virtually nonexistent,” not counting the twelve to thirty-six hours spent in the actual emergency room. Photograph by Melina Mara/The Washington Post via Getty.</div></article> </div>

BOROWITZ HEALTH GOP reveals its own health care plan - EmergencyRoom.gov

October 31, 2013 Posted by Andy Borowitz WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “the American people are fed up with a disastrous Web site that doesn’t work and never will,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and a phalanx…

NSA vows to stop getting caught spying on allies

11:03 AM Tukiyooo 0

<div id="bloghead"> <div class="graphic-header" id="index_headers"> <h2 id="indhed"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/" title="The Borowitz Report"><img alt="The Borowitz Report" height="72" src="http://www.newyorker.com/images/headers/ANDY_BOROWITZ_banner_N.gif" width="400" /></a></h2></div></div><div class="postNav top"> </div><div class="published" title="2013-10-29T11:17:41">October 29, 2013</div><div class="byline">Posted by <cite class="vcard author"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/bios/andy_borowitz/search?contributorName=Andy%20Borowitz" rel="author" title="search site for content by Andy Borowitz">Andy Borowitz</a></cite></div><div class="byline"><cite class="vcard author"> </cite></div><div class="socialUtils"> </div><div class="entry-content"><article> <img alt="nsa-keith-alexander-580.jpg" class="mt-image-center" height="267" src="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/nsa-keith-alexander-580.jpg" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 20px; text-align: center;" width="400" /> WASHINGTON (<a href="http://bit.ly/NhEEu0" target="_blank">The Borowitz Report</a>) — Responding to the firestorm of controversy over its spying on European allies, the head of the National Security Agency said today it would do everything in its power to avoid being caught doing it in the future. “There are two important jobs for every spy agency: spying on people and avoiding detection,” said the N.S.A. chief General Keith Alexander. “Unfortunately, at the N.S.A. we have only done the first job well.” <div id="entry-more">“We have abused the trust of some of our closest allies,” he said. “And none of this would have happened if they hadn’t found out.” General Alexander said that the agency was instituting strict new practices that amounted to “a zero-tolerance policy on getting caught.” “I had a meeting with my top people today and said, ‘I want you to put the same energy you put into spying on Germany, France, and Spain into keeping them from figuring out what we’re up to,’ ” he said. “ ‘Anything less than that will be unacceptable.’ ” General Alexander also offered a heartfelt apology to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a prime target of the agency’s eavesdropping. “I know how upsetting it must be for you to know that your closest ally has been listening in on your phone conversations for the past eleven years,” he said. “I give you my solemn promise that in the future you won’t know.” Photograph by Win McNamee/Getty.</div></article> </div>

BOROWITZ NSA vows to stop getting caught spying on allies

…

Congress pretends to understand Internet

2:22 PM Tukiyooo 0

<div id="bloghead"><div class="graphic-header" id="index_headers"><h2 id="indhed"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/" title="The Borowitz Report"><img alt="The Borowitz Report" height="72" src="http://www.newyorker.com/images/headers/ANDY_BOROWITZ_banner_N.gif" width="400" /></a></h2></div></div><div class="postNav top"></div><div class="published" title="2013-10-24T18:03:13">October 24, 2013</div> <div class="byline">Posted by <cite class="vcard author"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/bios/andy_borowitz/search?contributorName=Andy%20Borowitz" rel="author" title="search site for content by Andy Borowitz">Andy Borowitz</a></cite></div> <div class="entry-content"> <article><img alt="upton-hearing-580.jpeg" class="mt-image-center" height="265" src="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/upton-hearing-580.jpeg" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 20px; text-align: center;" width="400" /> WASHINGTON (<a href="http://bit.ly/NhEEu0" target="_blank">The Borowitz Report</a>)—In an impressive white-knuckle performance on live television today, members of Congress spent several hours in a hearing room pretending to understand the Internet. Beginning this morning, members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee devoted four hours to grilling Web-site contractors about site architecture, Web traffic, software, and other I.T. concepts about which their ignorance is nearly complete. <div id="entry-more">“As members of this committee, we are supposed to have a deep understanding of the technology involved in the health-care Web site,” said Chairman Fred Upton (R-Michigan). “So it was absolutely imperative for us to fake that we do.” For the duration of the hearings, the Web contractors offered detailed testimony about “end-to-end testing,” “enterprise identity management,” and other technical concepts to a group of elected officials who can barely use e-mail. “I would say that, to a man, we did not understand ninety-nine per cent of that computer nonsense they were going on about,” Chairman Upton said. “To me it was a whole lot of blahbitty-blahbitty-blah. I hope it wasn’t too obvious.” Rep. Upton said that “looking serious and nodding our heads a lot” contributed to the illusion that committee members had even scant comprehension of what was being discussed. “At the end of the day, a lot of it came down to not asking the questions you really wanted to ask,” he said. “Like, ‘What exactly is a Web site?’” Photograph by Alex Wong/Getty.</div></article> </div>

BOROWITZ Congress pretends to understand Internet

October 24, 2013 Posted by Andy Borowitz WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an impressive white-knuckle performance on live television today, members of Congress spent several hours in a hearing room pretending to understand the Internet. Beginn…

Snowden offers to fix Healthcare.gov

9:03 AM Tukiyooo 0

<div id="bloghead"> <div class="graphic-header" id="index_headers"> <h2 id="indhed"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/" title="The Borowitz Report"><img alt="The Borowitz Report" height="72" src="http://www.newyorker.com/images/headers/ANDY_BOROWITZ_banner_N.gif" width="400" /></a></h2></div></div><div class="postNav top"> </div><div class="published" title="2013-10-21T11:49:24">October 21, 2013</div> <div class="byline">Posted by <cite class="vcard author"><a href="http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/bios/andy_borowitz/search?contributorName=Andy%20Borowitz" rel="author" title="search site for content by Andy Borowitz">Andy Borowitz</a></cite></div> <div class="socialUtils"> </div> <div class="entry-content"><article> <img alt="snowden-healthcare-580.jpeg" class="mt-image-center" height="286" src="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/snowden-healthcare-580.jpeg" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 20px; text-align: center;" width="400" /> MOSCOW (<a href="http://bit.ly/NhEEu0" target="_blank">The Borowitz Report</a>)—The N.S.A. leaker Edward Snowden today reached out to the United States government, offering to fix its troubled healthcare.gov Web site in exchange for immunity from prosecution. Speaking from an undisclosed location in Russia, Mr. Snowden said he hacked the Web site over the weekend and thinks he is “pretty sure what the problem is.” <div id="entry-more">“Look, this thing was built terribly,” he said. “It’s a government Web site, O.K.?” Mr. Snowden said that if an immunity deal can be worked out, “I can get to work on this thing right away—I don’t need a password.” In addition to full immunity, Mr. Snowden said he is requesting that he be allowed to work from home. At the White House, President Obama offered a muted response to Mr. Snowden’s proposal: “Edward Snowden is a traitor who has compromised our national security. Having said that, if he knows why we keep getting those error messages, that could be a conversation.” Photograph: AP.</div></article> </div>

BOROWITZ Snowden offers to fix Healthcare.gov

…