A few have commented at one point or another that hubby and I have passion. Not the fun and exciting kind of passion that you're supposed to have. But we'd bicker and it would build up tension and then a blowup and then really crazy sex and it would all be okay for a couple days. And that was the sign of a marriage that was worth fighting for.
I felt like this was a disturbing trend in our dealings with each other. But it's passion, you said. Yeah, it is, you're right. There's enough there that we still bother. The last time this happened was the beginning of August, that first weekend sometime. I thought it was more recently than that but I was wrong.
And before you say it, it is not an option for me to initiate even a hug let alone sex. He refuses to talk about anything like this. And I haven't let myself go, so if my appearance and shape was acceptable years ago it should be now.
So to the point of this...
The passion is gone. We stopped arguing. Actually we've pretty much stopped talking. Basic conversation about the kids. About work stuff. About dinner. He asks my opinion about stupid things, then tells me why I'm wrong. This would usually start a fight but I really don't give a crap about these things. You know, like the brand of toilet paper... I just do not care. Not sandpaper and I'm good.
So what's happened? He could really just be done with me. Maybe the somewhat shaky marriage couldn't withstand me bringing up kinky things. Maybe he's just kind of become mentally or physically repulsed by me. He thought he knew me and then I tried to let him in and he wants out. Or maybe it has nothing to do with any of that, but is done with me for other reasons. This is the man that lived with an ex-girlfriend for over a year because it was easier than telling her to move out. Or is it that for the first time in quite a while that I'm calmer, a bit more settled, taking things in stride a little more? Maybe I'm too accepting or complacent right now?
And here is the struggle. I don't want to fight. But I do want sex or at least some sort of physical contact. And so I can engage in the arguing with the hope that it will bait a good makeup fuck like it's some kind of twisted foreplay. I don't know if it'll still work or not. It might make things worse and when you're near rock bottom, worse is the end.
Is the end what I want? No, I just want everything to go back to a time long ago when we laughed and did stuff together and enjoyed life. Back when we didn't live two separate lives.
But since that's not possible... well I don't know what that means. I do know that last night is the last time I ever plan to put myself out there enough that I have to fall asleep with tears in my eyes. This is bullshit. Plain and simple. But other options are way too scary...
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
Passion (or lack of) Updated at :
12:49 PM
Friday, October 11, 2013
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