Been meaning to change the name of my blog for a while.
I was all hinty-hinty with my husband about what I wanted for a crazy long time. Then when I bared all to him, I thought it would be a new chapter in my life. In our lives.
It was also time to come clean that I had a blog. Which meant I needed to delete everything I'd written because it could be seen disrespectful to my family. He'd see it as disrespectful to myself too, I saw it as venting though. My crass little mouth wouldn't be appreciated. And there were things that were probably a little less anonymous than they should of been. And there'd be lots of "you know i didn't mean it that way" kind of arguments. So out it went. Not that he read it... at least it's fair and relatively respectful in the off chance he wanted to see it. At least it's not a secret.
I saw the whole thing as a new chapter, a new volume of my life. And there was the blog name of my next chapter.
Well... not so much. I overestimated his emotional capabilities. I overestimated his interest in strengthening our relationship. And I'm not saying this in a bad way, it just is what it is. I overestimated a lot of things.
We're mostly still par for the course. It's not great golf we're playing here, more like a putt-putt course we're on. Even when I think it's all good, a giant dinosaur is waiting to swallow my ball and ship me back to the start. Or that hole is at the top of a hill that's barely attainable. Hit it too hard and you're careening off into the parking lot. Hit it too gently and it just keeps rolling back into that wet spot at the bottom. You know that part. It's full of muck and is a massive undertaking to get the ball out of it.
We're crappy at communication. He won't communicate at all, making this terribly difficult. I am working far too hard on biting my tongue and being left unhappy. I need to find that happy medium. One that lies somewhere between controlling bitch and doormat. It's there somewhere.
The stuff behind closed doors. There's a big difference there. It only took a few months of y'all harassing me before I fessed up. It's not all of what I want. It's moving in that direction. And his comfort zone has been crossed. I respect the slowness. I'm happy if this is where it stops. Happier if it didn't stay here though ;-)
So anyways... no new chapter in my life. I'm just Chickie.
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
Just Chickie Updated at :
12:30 PM
Sunday, August 11, 2013
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