the mouth returns

The mouth and the 'tude are back.  Out. Of. Control.  I want to stop, I think?  Not sure.  It's like a reflex with all the sass and fire that goes with it.

I've tried. Lord knows, I've tried. 

My shrink and I have broken up.  He's moving.  I could still go through the end of the summer.  No point,  I can't have the kind of medicine I need anyway.

Surrendering or submitting or whatever you want to call it... hard to do that when the person you want to lead you is completely content in his role as resident teenager.

Sending the control freak packing... not really possible when the world comes screeching to a halt every time you relax and let go of control.  Even harder when help is offered to me, not followed through with, making twice as much work for me later, and then he has the audacity to shine his condescending little smirk and comments when I look frustrated about it.

One can bite her tongue for only so long.  Which then serves as proof that I'm not trying to behave.

It's been a time trying to reconcile things.

He's not interested in bettering anything other than his job.  

I despise the role I must live.  There I said it.  I thought I just wanted different.  Nope, I despise every bit of how I am and my role in our marriage.

I'm tense. I'm angry. I'm anxious.  Thank goodness for xanax.  The ADHD monster has long since taken over my head again and I'm his pawn.  The OCD monster is taunting me, begging me to come back to the dark side.  Not sure what to do or where to turn anymore.

My current thought is to wait until this current little tiff between us rolls over. It's hard to settle things when you both know you're in the right and the other is being an idiot.  For the record, I genuinely am right this time...  not that it matters lol

There are a couple of things/routines that I know settle me and help keep the family in order.  Even though I know these things make a huge difference, I struggle to rarely do them.  I need to plan meals and make them - otherwise we eat out, waste money and stress the family out.  I need to keep the kitchen island and the little sink clean - otherwise the kitchen breeds clutter that stresses everybody out.  I need to make lunches and set out clothes the night before - otherwise mornings are stressful.  I need to go to bed on time - otherwise I'm a cranky bitch the next day.  I'm going to ask for his help in enforcing them. I don't know if he will, or how he will for that matter.  But maybe this is a way to work through my end of the problems.

In the meantime... I'll just keep putting on my happy face and keep saving the world, as always.

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Posted by: Tukiyooo the mouth returns Updated at : 8:03 AM

Wednesday, July 10, 2013