Hear the crickets?

Hear 'em?  Yeah, me too. I sure don't hear anything else!

Nothing new, nothing different, no response at all to the letter asking for DD.  I wrote that I wanted him to take his time and research.  I suggested he try to reach out to others by email if he felt it would help him understand.

I have confirmation that it was read, though no questions or discussion yet.  No freaking out or extreme distancing from me.  Literally, we're just exactly the same.  Frustrating, yes, but reassuring that he's not totally dismissed it nor has he gone crazy from my request.

That being said, he's got a massive project with work that's leaving him with insanely long work days that resume again after kids are off to bed.  It was our daughter's birthday so we had the build up to that... followed by the new buildup to her party this weekend.  And I'm sick.  I've had a snotty nose and been hovering around 101.5 with ibuprofen for a few days.  (no I haven't been to a doctor but the sickos around me have been, it's just a virus and if I'm not better yet I'll go on Friday) And we all know mommies aren't allowed to have sick days. 

So it's bad timing on my part and I don't expect him to add me to his heap of responsibilities right now.  Yes, I wrote to him about ways that this will help him personally as well as our family as a whole.  About how I think he'll have more time on his hands if I got myself together.  But face it, it's a chore at least in the beginning until we both get some practice.

I'm trying hard to continue my efforts to defer to his wishes.  There's been a couple of things since the letter - very minor - where he's told me what to do.  I feel the polite little argument welling in my throat but I won't let it out.  These things were stupid little things, things that either of our ideas were right for.  So I've followed his ideas.  I want him to see that I will accept any leading that he offers me.

A striking and completely unexpected thing has happened though. My anxiety is way better.  I guess I have been so utterly terrified of his reaction that I couldn't really function.  On a scale of 1-10, my anxiety level was about 3,000.  Now, I'm basically fine.  That's how my anxiety works though.  I get so hung up on something, a thing that I usually have no idea what it is, and that underlying anxiety makes me incapable of dealing with even the slightest perceived snub or situation without a panic attack.  So it will come back.  But for now, I'm okay and really quite content...well, as content as I'm able to be!

So he had no reaction... I don't know what that means and I'm guessing he doesn't know either.  The worst for me is over.  I don't know if DD is going to happen or not.  I do see both of evolving into more of a 51% - 49% type thing in time.

The root of this whole journey for me has been for me to recognize what I'm doing wrong and to transition to one leader in the house.  It's been about me realizing how toxic I was/am.  I've gone from blaming him for everything and now see what I did to cause/contribute to the situation.  Seeing where my behavior has been the cause of tension, basically recognizing fault where it's due.  Learning to feel comfortable expressing when I feel hurt or overwhelmed.  I'm struggling with letting go of my ways and I feel like punishment is probably a better means to an end.  Currently there is absolutely no action I do wrong that has any consequence, aside from something illegal or dangerous.  I know what needs to be worked on and I'm stuck at a point of either I can't or I won't fix it on my own.  But still, I'm a grown-up and I am in control of my behavior.  And with or without DD, ultimately it's up to me to learn to be the person I want to be.

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Posted by: Tukiyooo Hear the crickets? Updated at : 9:10 AM

Wednesday, June 5, 2013