This is where the mega guilt kicks in. Boohoo me. This isn't a real problem. This is a problem in my head. A problem I'm inventing. I'm not satisfied. Not many people are. I have a good life, a husband who tirelessly provides for us and is a great daddy for the kids. He does the laundry too! We don't fight, we just get over things. We have a roof over our head and food on the table. Life goes on.
Yesterday, I wrote full of emotion that was impossible to contain. I'm afraid I came across as a sassy little brat... at least that's the way I'm reading it today.
I would never dream of expecting/forcing this lifestyle (DD) upon anyone, especially someone I love. It needs to be a mutual decision that happens only because it works for both people. I would never hold a grudge against him for not wanting any part of this. I would be appalled if someone tried to demand some other sort of horrid thing upon me. I would never hold his resistance or refusal against him. Not an outward hostility, nor would I carry an internal sense of being wronged that periodically creeps out as immaturity on my part.
I will not expect or force him to accommodate my kinks. The fact that my dreams and fantasies go to dark places isn't his fault. The fact that I'm aroused by aggressive or violent things isn't his fault either. None of that is what he signed up for. There wasn't a quiz before we married. That quiz wasn't there tell him how hard it would be to repress these feelings for the rest of my life. I'm not what he signed up for. He signed up for the girl who was hiding much of herself so she could fit into what he wanted.
Now, this is the part that I think I deserve 100% - Communication. Plain and simple. I don't care if he thinks no other husbands talk to their wives. I want, need, and deserve this. On two different levels too.
The first part, we need to talk like we're friends and make time for just us. I understand that he thinks date nights just aren't in the cards due to the kids and work. We still need time to just talk about things other than the problems with this customer or that child. I am proposing 5 minutes in bed a few times a week. No tv, no sex (okay, sex waits until after), just us talking in the dark. Perhaps in time...
The second part is I think I have a right to have my feelings heard, even though I'm not agreed with. No, I'm not talking about him being forced to sit through a lecture touting the benefits of spanking. Simply that I think I have a right to feel _____ because of ______ and be able to say it to him without being thought of as crazy.
I think where this is hitting me in the gut is that I'm not asking him to talk about his feelings. He doesn't have any lol. Our marriage is fine on the public surface. We're drifting apart on the inside. He doesn't see a problem, therefore I shouldn't be looking for ways to fix a problem that doesn't exist in his eyes.
But then again... maybe the problems don't exist at all period. The problems are merely my interpretation of the way things are. My feelings aren't problems. My wishes aren't problems.
In the big jigsaw puzzle of our family and friends, there's a specific spot designated for me, the spot where I fit in. I wish the dog hadn't chewed on hubby's piece and I wish my piece wasn't so soggy from falling in the bathtub. Then we could then fit a little tighter together and our colors would be crisper. But wanting to take on a different shape isn't productive because I (or we) won't fit into the puzzle properly. So in the end, truly nothing in my head matters in the big picture. It doesn't matter because we're a family.
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
And to follow up... Updated at :
9:28 AM
Monday, June 24, 2013
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