Hola y’all! Well, we’re anywhere from a few hours to several days away from having a new Pope. I’m 99% sure the next Pope is going to really fucking suck. But, if they want to avoid disaster, they should take advantage of little known Rule CXLVII Section: IV and elect someone who isn’t a Cardinal or even a member of the Catholic Church. I’m thinking...
Here’s just a small sampling of what I would do to make the Catholic Church far more acceptable and fun…
1. End that stupid vow of celibacy. Sheesh! This is just about the stupidest idea the Church has ever had. There is no reason for it. Protestant preachers are perfectly capable of conveying all the great stuff about God and his boy Jesus AND still have sex with their wives, girlfriends and gay male hookers.
2. Do away with daylight savings time. It’s stupid and annoys me. I’m sure I could figure out a moral reason to do away with it.
3. Stop allowing Priests to rape children! Okay, some of ya’ll might think this should be Number One, but if we get rid of the moronic Vow of Celibacy, this whole raping of children thing might not be as big of a problem. Anyway, I would also then release all the documents detailing the child rape problem and the cover up. Then I would deliver all the people responsible for both of those outrages to the proper authorities so they can be prosecuted to the FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW!
4. No left turns without a protection light or turn lane.The NEW Catholic Church will focus more on practical ideas to make life better for everyone. So well drop the birth control demands and instead force governments to make sure that we never have to sit behind someone who is willing to wait until hell freezes over to turn left.
5. Stop the demonizing gays. Some people are gay. Get over it.
6. Wrap it up and experience the thrill of the pill! Condoms save lives. The NEW Catholic Church will actually mean it when we say things like “all life is precious” and when we defend “the sanctity of life.” We’ll stop letting people die needlessly because of some stupid NO CONDOMS policy that we force governments to adhere to. Also, the pill is NOT an abortion. Family planning is a good thing.
7. Make the I’m With Stupid internet radio show mandatory listening for every single Catholic and all other decent human beings every week. Hey, what’s the point of even being Pope if you can’t use your position to increase the ratings on your podcast?
8. Access to decent healthcare, living wages and help to people who are starving and suffering from terrible poverty and addiction.That’s right we’re going to bring the Moral Authority of the Church back bitches!
9. End the “One-and-Done” rule for the NBA. It’s stupid and it’s ruining college basketball. There is no legitimate reason to claim that kids can’t jump straight from high school to the NBA. The NBA is not like the NFL where there are legitimate reasons for there “Three Years Out of High School” rule.
10. Dancing girls and boys and lap dances for everyone who attends Mass. Gotta draw in some crowds somehow, right?
I think I would be the most popular Pope EVAH!
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Pope Jayman I is Ready to Serve Updated at :
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013
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