If not, here's the little gem of a story:
Back in mid-October, on a mild Monday morning, as I was sitting at my desk sipping a Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha (Kelly style), a sudden urge of nausea fell over me. (If you're a woman, you probably know where I'm going with this already. But rest assured, I did not know where this was going, I can tell you that!) The feeling eventually passed, though my appetite was definitely lacking as the day drew on. By Tuesday morning I called out sick from work, feeling even more nauseous that I did the day before. By Wednesday, I figured I was just battling a stomach bug, so I proceeded back to work, with absolutely no desire to start my day off with the Starbucks fall beverages. Obviously something was wrong with me - rarely do I ever turn down Starbucks OR food!
Since I was having a tough time eating/drinking, I decided to start myself on the BRAT diet. The whole wheat toast seemed to calm my stomach temporarily, but before too long I was back to feeling nauseated again. My boss inquired as to how I was feeling, and after explaining my symptoms to her, she said "Hilary, I think you might be pregnant."
Well, I was certain that I was not pregnant. I had been getting crampy just like normal, expecting my period to come any day now. Still, I don't use any form of birth control. (My reasons are my reasons - the end.) Joel and I have made it 5.5 years without one single scare. Regardless, the point is I don't use it, so to most it might be a no-brainer that I was pregnant.
What only Joel and I did know at that time was there was 1 scare on September 29. I just about ran to Walgreen's that day to pick up Plan B (for those not familiar, this is NOT the 'abortion pill'. - It's like a super birth control pill). Plan B, when taken properly, is supposed to be 95% effective.
However, as the morning went on at work, my mind started racing with the thoughts that I might actually be pregnant. I mean, Plan B is not 100%! So at lunch time, I drove to Walgreen's and bought 2 different brands of pregnancy tests. I took one immediately. At first I saw only one line and was so relieved. But by the time I washed my hands and was just about to pitch the test, a second, faint line appeared! I immediately starting bawling - I was in such shock!
Joel and I never wanted children. No, we weren't exactly doing much to prevent it, but it wasn't something we were actively trying for either. I quickly asked my boss if I could take off the rest of the day and I bolted out of the office. I dialed and redialed Joel's number numerous times to get him awake (he works nights), but he wouldn't pick up. By some miracle, he called me back shortly thereafter, saying he actually never heard his phone ringing but happened to notice a bunch of missed calls from me. I broke the news to him in sobs, only for him to respond in almost complete silence. We were both, to say the least, devastated.
To Be Continued.....
Before I end today's post, I'm going to stop right here and address this "devastation". I know there are judgmental eyes out there right now saying "You ungrateful so and so - I've been desiring pregnancy all my life and cannot get pregnant and here you are - complaining because you were able to conceive when you didn't even have to try!"
The truth is, I'm not ungrateful. I had a plan for my life that never involved children, and God quickly revealed to both of us that it's not our plan, but His. I am grateful for this blessing He has given us, but it took me a long time to absorb that. The point is, judge all you want to. For as much as you, or someone you know, desires to have children but has struggled with conceiving - there are others out there who have that same desire to NOT have children for many reasons. Now, I love kids. I grew up holding/caring for babies - I come from a family large enough that there is almost always a baby present in the clan. I'm great with children, in fact, because of this experience. However, we both knew that we didn't want children of our own.
One main reason for this should be obvious. I'm overweight. Having children means you gain weight - weight that I often hear is harder to lose post partem. I didn't need, nor want, childbearing to bog down my already struggling weight loss journey. Now, this is not the only reason for not wanting kids, but I can tell you where I was at in my life on September 29, 2012, this was a large reason for not wanting kids.
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Wednesday, February 13, 2013
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