Testing, pushing, rebelling, shouting and just plain mean

Testing, pushing, rebelling, shouting and just plain mean. That's a hard act to shake.  It's comfortable.  It's habit.  It protects me on the inside.  I rolled with this submission thing for a while with nobody to submit to.  Then the old ways started back.  They creeped in slowly and the comfort they provide won out over any remorse after the fact.  Yes, it perfectly coincided with medication tinkering and taking away.  I compeltely own up to being hard to handle and the nutty one.<br /><br />So here I am - testing, pushing, rebelling, shouting and just plain mean.  A little is towards the kids.  Everything is fine until there's an argument or some problem, then I'm resorting to screaming in a flash.  Mostly towards hubby as if anything is his fault.<br /><br />This morning, I decided I'd get a lot of my work backlog taken care of and I'd be Super Wife/Mommy the rest of the weekend. I was motivated.  I started uncovering things I messed up with our businesses.  A missed payment, some late payments, we were massively overcharged for something and I paid it as it was without fixing it. For some stupid reason I sat there announcing it to him.  He told me what I should do to prevent this again, I argued none of it was my fault (wtf? it's all my fault!) and his way would just create more work for me.  He handles all finances at home but I am in charge of them for our business matters.  Kids are in the next room but it still got heated and ended up with me screaming at him about why his idea was so stupid and "I AM NOT MAKING YOU A STUPID CHART AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"<br /><br />Hmmph!  Last words, I won!<br /><br />But I didn't win and I know good and damned well I screwed up.  He was trying to help.  His idea is probably a good one.  And I know I should've seen his effort to lead me back on the right track for what it was worth.<br /><br />He's left with the kids for the rest of the day so I can finish working.  Tonight he's going to a concert to see a member of his favorite band on the planet.  They're not all around anymore and so this is the closest it gets for anybody.  Going with one of his brothers, who all share this disturbingly deep infatuation with this band, is the icing on a perfect cake for him.  But anyway...<br /><br />No real time to talk today.  It's always the same though.  I'll apologize, as I always do.  He'll give me a look of "whatever" and we'll move on. <br /><br />I'm like an electric fence for livestock.  I promise him it's turned off and he won't get bit.  C'mon sweetie, come here... it's okay... just touch it... I promise it won't bite...  Sometimes the power is turned off.  Sometimes that tentative little touch with his fingertip goes smoothly.  Other times, it snaps and he has to reel back in self defense.  This morning, he marched right up to the fence and grabbed it with his entire hand and it shocked the crap out of him.  One can only be shocked so many times before giving up and not believing the story of it being powerless.<br /><br />I guess if he took charge in general maybe I'd be more receptive?  I'm not purposefully trying to sabotage anything.  I think though, it just comes back around to him expecting me to fix everything wrong on my own.  He "knows" he's not the problem and he'll be there with open arms when I get our lives and marriage fixed.<br /><br />He's not on board with DD as of our last conversation a few weeks ago.  He's still convinced I'm brainwashed or that I've become addicted to the idea.  I suppose I have, not for reasons of addiction but more that it resonates so deeply for me.  There's been a natural set of roles we've had all along.  He's been saying for years "lets just stick to what we do best" when i do something that's not my territory.  There's unwritten rules for both of us - no shouting, no bad words, and basic parenting things we've agreed upon.  Then there's been a list (a binder actually - <a href="http://flylady.net/" target="_blank">Fly Lady</a>) of things I have to do (both home and business) for a good year now.<br /><br />He doesn't want enforce, remind, or bring up in any way things I'm not doing or doing wrong.  Well except for sarcastic things like him making his half of the bed when I didn't do it.  I know I'm doing wrong wrong wrong.  Not on purpose so much but unwilling to stop whatever it is while it's happening.  I just think if there was something, even a little cue to tell me "chickie, you're crossing the line, shape up" that maybe it'd be easier.  Easier for me at least.  He sees that as a version of role-playing and he's adamantly opposed to that concept.  Easier for him is to walk around frustrated with me and making sure the payments on my life insurance are current (joke, it's just a joke). 

Testing, pushing, rebelling, shouting and just plain mean

Testing, pushing, rebelling, shouting and just plain mean. That's a hard act to shake.  It's comfortable.  It's habit.  It prote...

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