Lost

Lost...  That's where I am.<br /><br />I'm back down in a really down and needy state.  Apologies for the mood swingy posts.  Aside from medicine to chill out panic attacks, I'm without benefit of anything to keep my brain and thoughts in order. <br /><br />So what <i>is</i> my deal?  Surely there's a trigger of some sort.  Well, this time I figured at least some of it out.<br /><br />There's my obvious need for tons of sex. Much more than most people.  It's been at least a week now.  It's not a huggy snuggly thing and it's not a need down there either - those needs can be met in other ways.  It's the stuff of excessively naughty details.  Can't explain it.  It just does good things to my head, settles me a little. That doesn't explain this though.  Leaving me a bit more on edge, probably so, but it's not all of it.<br /><br />I had the "ah hah" moment this morning.  It's talking to my husband.  We can talk about the right here and now, no problem.  The issue is all this personal talking BS.  We go for a while of just superficial conversations and I get more comfortable.  He softens, everything is good with the world, and then I feel comfortable enough to attempt a slightly less tangible discussion or letter or email.  I hit a brick wall, I'm dismissed, my feelings are dismissed, and I don't matter because he's not having a problem so all's good with the world.<br /><br />We've been talking in bed for a week or so (uh, another lighbulb moment - if I'd shut up there'd be sex probably).  Talking about silly stuff or something random.  Not much.<br /><br />We had an incredible day together yesterday.  Kids' cousin wanted to take them for a day - go for it sweetie!  We did a lot of work stuff, though it was all out and about so lots of time just being friends between stops.  We ate lunch and dinner out at new places.  It was wonderful.<br /><br />I decided it was time for a real talk.  It was dark so I couldn't see his expressions, it just felt safer to me. I wanted to know some things about myself that he doesn't like.  That there's lots of things about how I act that I'm not happy about, that I'm trying to be a better person and I'm having a hard time.  If he could kind of point me in the direction of the big things I could focus on those.  Maybe if I wasn't focusing on <i>everything</i> it would be easier for my efforts to become engrained as good habits.<br /><br />"Let me think about it for a minute... Nothing, I guess.  There's nothing about you that I have a problem with."  And yes, I know that would be the correct answer 99.9% of the time!<br /><br />Yeah right. I pointed out a few things about me that drive me crazy and I wanted to change.  He agreed completely and added to the list.  He told me to stop doing those things.  I'm trying, I explained.  I need your help.  I need your leadership. I need you to help me see how ridiculous I'm being when I'm being me.  A little hint to me that I'm being ridiculous so I can reel it in.  Or point it out after.  Or sometimes perhaps he could see it coming and stop it in its tracks.<br /><br />"Just make yourself do what you're supposed to. I'm not role playing"<br /><br />Nobody's asking you to.  Explained more that I want/need his help.  I need his support when I'm struggling. That I've technically been role playing by suppressing my needs and pretending they don't exist. That people in a relationship must be willing to change and adapt over time.  You can't have one person doing as they please, to please themselves, and tell the other person they can join you in your exact way or nothing.  People who love each other shouldn't have a "my way or the highway" thought process.  That my efforts to reach out to him are met with a big fat "Fuck off, Chickie.  I don't have time for your crazy."  No he's never said that and I made it clear I wasn't accusing him of that.  It just <i>feels</i> that way.<br /><br />"Well, I only deal with adults."<br /><br />I explained I am an adult.  There was lots of other talking and then it took a quick turn to the letter I'd written him.  Did you really read it, like to understand it?  Yes, he'd read it and admittedly brushed it off.  Then something like "If you want me to be in charge, I'll show you in charge."  He wanted to know what'll happen if he says we're doing something his way. I said I'd do it. <br /><br />And then veered off into DD territory from there, something I really didn't intend to do. It's something that I think will help us, something that will help me, and by helping me he'd help the whole family. Blah blah blabhbeddy blah.  Silence... Do you have anything you want to ask me?  Any questions about anything?<br /><br />"Nnnnnope," and rolled over and went to sleep.<br /><br />I cried myself to sleep.  Once again, as usual, any effort I make to move beyond roommates with benefits (really friggin' awesome benefits) was again shot down.  Be there for me, even if just an ear.  Is it really too much to ask?<br /><br />This morning was very cold.  The only words he spoke to me were asking if his new shirt looked good on him.  <br /><br />And so here I am in another "down" that'll work itself out over the next few days... just for me to screw it up again with a conversation.  i reach out and get knocked down.  I don't think I deserve this.  I'm not being a spoiled brat.  I simply want more to our marriage than being roommates, without one being so egotistical and self-serving.  But to that, he'd say that I knew what I signed up for.<br /><br />So after reading this through...  I'm seeing that despite that going exactly as I know it would, he <i>did </i>hear me out.  Maybe his silence this morning is more processing the reality of what I need.  Maybe he's retreating until the crazies go away.  Maybe he's got a headache or maybe he's trying to figure out if he forgot to do something yesterday.  Or maybe he's just afraid I'll say something about feelings and then he'll have to listed to all this crap again.  He doesn't hold grudges or anger or animosity of any sort... he's certainly not mad at me.  I hate being so darned sensitive.  I wish I didn't read into things that aren't readable.  And he's not a jerk even though he sounds that way.  He's a fun friendly guy and everybody likes him. 

Lost

Lost...  That's where I am. I'm back down in a really down and needy state.  Apologies for the mood swingy posts.  Aside from medici...

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