Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting the fight

Today was one of those days. A day where I didn't want to exercise, but I did anyway. A day where I was hungry all day, and I felt like a bottomless pit. I just wanted to eat all day, but I didn't.<br /><br />Today was one of those days where I wanted to lay down my sword and give up the good fight.<br /><br />I don't get these days too often anymore, but they still happen. When they happen I have to remind myself why I'm doing this, why I'm in a constant state of being on guard, why I've accepted it's okay to be hungry sometimes. I have to remind myself why I can't always give in to my desires to eat until I feel full, and that I have to exercise. It's not optional. This is now my life.<br /><br />There are many reasons I don't give up on myself. Number one is my self-confidence and self-esteem issues. I remember the sad 51-year old woman that weighed 240 pounds in February of 2008.<em> </em> I<em> </em>remember how much I hated myself for letting my body get in such bad shape. I've never felt uglier or sicker than I did at 240 pounds. Considering I've always had a very bad self-image, that's saying a lot.<br /><br />I remember the one pair of size 20 black slacks I owned, that I wore every single day. I remember the ugly size 3X tops, designed for someone much older than I felt in my heart. My body felt every day of 51 years, but in my heart, I still felt like I was in my twenties. During that time I couldn't imagine going on in life and reaching old age, not feeling and looking like I did. <br /><br />My health was a wreck in Feburary 2008. Everything hurt. My blood pressure was 180/110. I was a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. My knees and ankles were in agony. Just walking at a slow pace on a level surface caused intense pain in my chest, knees and ankles.<br /><br />I had difficulty breathing. I didn't exercise. I thought I couldn't exercise without killing myself. Just walking from the parking lot at work in to my office, I often thought I was going to have a heart attack.<br /><br />My marriage was in serious trouble, mainly because of my low self-esteem. If you hate yourself how can you believe anyone else can love you? You can't, it's simply not possible. I assumed my husband was as disgusted and disappointed in me as I was in myself. It was a recipe for a very toxic relationship.<br /><br />In a word, I was MISERABLE on every level. <br /><br />When days like today happen, when I'm really not feeling it, when the desire to track my Points and stay within my limit doesn't feel within my grasp, and when I don't feel like exercising, I have to remind myself how far I've come in the last 2 1/2 years. Even though I'm not at goal yet, I've come a long way.<br /><br />Seventy-five pounds off my body has made a world of difference in how I view myself, my marriage, and my world. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm not disgusted by myself. I expect my husband to be proud of me. Yes, me. Just as I am now. I'm in the best physical condition of my entire life. My resting pulse is 49, my blood pressure is 120/60 (no medicines), and my cholesterol and triglycerides are below normal (137 and 68). I wear a size 10.<br /><br />I've worked hard to get here. I refuse to let a bad day screw with me. I'll never go back to the person I was when I started this process. I simply can't imagine that will ever happen, regardless of how much I like food, I like myself better. <br /><br />Anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows I've had slip-ups with my food. I even re-gained 25 pounds last fall. I was sure I was on my way back to 240 pounds plus the obligatory regain of an additional ten pounds. Somehow this time I found the strength within myself to fight back. I picked up my sword and went back to battle, losing 17 of the 25 pounds (so far). I'm going to keep waging the battle until I get to goal and maintenance for life. <br /><br /><strong>I'm not giving up the fight. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.</strong>

Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting the fight

Today was one of those days. A day where I didn't want to exercise, but I did anyway. A day where I was hungry all day, and I felt like ...

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