Much of my life has been essentially devoted to making everybody happy, to make everything run smoothly and efficiently, and basically to make everything perfect. I take it personally when I can't make others laugh or when we hit bumps in the road were preventable. Anything short of ideal I see as a personal failure. I understand this is something I need to learn to move past but it's deeply ingrained in my personality.
My old shrink "Sweets" has been found. We broke up a few months ago when he moved to a new practice and a non-compete agreement prevented him from seeing me. I found him at the new place and we're just not going to transfer my records to make it all okay on his end.
It felt good to be back. He already has a good grasp on my nutty little head and doesn't judge my often questionable choices. I laugh at me and it gets him laughing. It makes for a good time and he was glad to have me back.
I've become comfortable in that questionable little gray area of not quite right even though it's not wrong. And as I expected, he was not a source of opinion or answers. He's just an ear.
But he pointed out something important... I need (and am allowed to) to take personal responsibility for my own happiness.
The things that make me happy have always depended on others. Make everybody else happy, make everything perfect... then I relax and call it happy. Only I'm exhausted and can't enjoy the happiness, or there's not enough hours left in the day, or else there's another thing coming up that needs my attention.
It's like what they tell you on a plane before take-off. If there's loss of cabin pressure, put your own oxygen mask on first then help the kid next to you. If you help the child first, they can breathe fine but you're passed out before you've got your own mask on. And the child isn't going to help you.
I've been running around, securing everybody else's oxygen masks, making sure they're on just right and absolutely perfect. And for years, been begging and groveling for help with mine. I still don't completely know where to find mine or how to get it on right. I do know some of my oxygen is seeping out of that gray area and I now know it's okay. It might not be right for anybody else. But for me, it seems that it is and I'm a little more content because of it.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Yours too, so embrace it!
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
Taking Responsibility Updated at :
12:46 PM
Monday, September 16, 2013
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