Falling down and forgiveness

My bike ride was awesome! It was the best bike ride I've had in a long time. Perfect weather, 71 degrees going to the gym and 75 degrees coming home, with a light, cool breeze. Sunshine and not a cloud in the sky. I LOVE the Pacific Northwest when the sun shines!<br /><br />It took 45 minutes to get to the gym. Normally it's 22 minutes going fast, really pushing myself going up the hills. Today I decided not to race to get there. I thought of it more as a therapy bike ride. Enjoy the scenery, get my heart rate up but don't kill myself doing it. I found the hills a lot more challenging at my heavier weight (193 this morning).<br /><br />The gym was almost empty, which was really nice. I did weights for an entire hour and there were only a couple guys in the free weights area. I had planned on a lower body workout but I remembered the last time I biked to the gym and then did a lower body workout. I almost didn't make it home. So it was upper body, a full hour-long workout.<br /><br />Somehow, and I'm really not sure how it happened, I fell off my bike while standing still in the parking lot of the gym. I know that sounds crazy, and it happened so fast that I'm not even sure how it happened, but it did. I was just about to start riding out of the parking lot, when I fell over and crashed into some beauty bark on my right knee. I tangled myself up in my bike, then rolled onto the pavement, scraping a lot of skin off of my knee.<br /><br />It was kind of embarrassing, but not too many people saw me.  After brushing myself off, I quickly got out of there. I made it home in 22 minutes. My knee still hurts and burns. Probably beauty bark poisoning or something.<br /><br />While I was riding home I thought about something I saw in a notebook that I found in my little backpack I use when I bike. I always take a notebook to the gym with me to keep a record of my workouts. The last workout date in this one was April 23, 2011. I have one in my car that I used every day, but decided to use this one since it was already in the backpack. I accidentally dropped it, and it flipped open to the last page. I saw the following, written in my handwriting:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJhE3JgEYaEK5JFXEAT-je0bJcmpvNCY6KoCFwIZJkY04EC3Y-7KS8a7epdnAq7P_5ej396Pfcjqn_wQeuo3BhY8zvwj6i-AIDQNxybqqGzHpUpO_dm-9fd6-VHerqT-H-uQut0xCrLx0E/s1600/Ashamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJhE3JgEYaEK5JFXEAT-je0bJcmpvNCY6KoCFwIZJkY04EC3Y-7KS8a7epdnAq7P_5ej396Pfcjqn_wQeuo3BhY8zvwj6i-AIDQNxybqqGzHpUpO_dm-9fd6-VHerqT-H-uQut0xCrLx0E/s320/Ashamed.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>  <br />I have no idea why I wrote those words. It sounds like something to do with gaining weight. Specifically gaining a lot of weight after losing a lot of weight. Maybe I saw it on TV or read it in a book or a magazine. I may have even read it on someones blog.  <br /><br />Since I don't really know where I heard it, I can't give the correct person credit, but it makes a lot of sense regarding my weight gain. My gain of 40 pounds in a year and a half, after an 85-pound weight loss, has caused me to feel each one of these emotions very deeply. It's been a painful journey re-gaining this weight. <br /><br />1. <b>Ashamed</b>. There are few things in life more embarrassing than losing a lot of weight and then gaining it back. When I lost weight, people were constantly telling me how great I looked. When I started gaining it back, people had no idea what to say, so out of politeness, they said nothing. I  know they notice it, how could they not see it. It's so blatantly obvious as I get bigger and my clothes get tighter.<br /><br />2. <b>Angry</b>. I was really angry about my weight gain for a long time. Angry mostly at myself, but also at the unfairness of it all. Unfairness that I have these issues with food, and that I can't eat anything I want to eat. Unfairness that I love food so much, too much, and even the mere fact that I love food makes me angry. I've gone through the "why me?" many times, but ultimately, it's pointless to be so angry about something that just "is".<br /><br />3. <b>Afraid</b>. I remember this one really well, in fact, I still have a little bit of fear about my weight. The fear of gaining all of it back, the fear of never being able to lose the weight I've re-gained, and the fear that I'll be even fatter than before, that I'll make it up to 300+ pounds.<br /><br />I've relaxed quite a bit about being afraid of my weight. I'm not heartbroken about the weight gain anymore, nor do I fear gaining a ton more weight. I'm feeling confident that I'll lose it again. I still think a little fear about gaining weight is a good thing. Too much fear is damaging to my soul. A little fear keeps me on my toes.<br /><br />4. <b>Forgiveness</b>. It's been a long haul but somehow I have made it to this one. I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes. Simply put, I screwed up a good thing. It's okay. I'm allowed to screw up as long as I don't dwell on my past mistakes, forgive myself and move forward.<br /><br />Forgiveness of one's own transgressions is a lot harder than forgiving someone else. We're harder on ourselves than we are on other people. Kind of crazy that we're built that way, but it just seems like that's how most of us function. If someone else messes up, we're kind and caring, we understand how things can happen. We forgive them. But let us screw up our own life by gaining weight and holy crap, you'd think we'd committed a murder. The simple fact is that I ate too much food, and I gained weight. That's all there is to it. I didn't hurt anyone in the process except myself.<br /><br />Forgiveness. It's good for the soul. Falling off my bike or falling off my diet, it's all kind of the same thing. I just have to get back up, brush myself off, and keep on going. Of course it's embarrassing, but there's really no other option.<br /><div style="color: lime; text-align: center;"><b>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</b></div><br />Pictures from my bike ride today...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">A new sign that was put up at the trail head in the last few months. Funny thing, but I saw a coyote cross the road, right in front of my car on the way to the gym a few weeks ago. Kind of scary. At first I thought it was a big, skinny weird looking dog, but then I realized, that's a coyote!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirj8PATap4EaD-eY1HNxCuBhPQ5w4TFYHV0HIINvBR2jI_tX5a_HKDyPgxKqQxsVfK2Amsper5FiBV8WKag-YpA3-AElssWy9s6PkZCbnimVlZQcAe4yesyBKCjlfVYipVsO3IgT3O2ds9/s1600/Coyote.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirj8PATap4EaD-eY1HNxCuBhPQ5w4TFYHV0HIINvBR2jI_tX5a_HKDyPgxKqQxsVfK2Amsper5FiBV8WKag-YpA3-AElssWy9s6PkZCbnimVlZQcAe4yesyBKCjlfVYipVsO3IgT3O2ds9/s640/Coyote.jpg" width="480" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> I'm sure you're all thinking, not another Mt. Rainier picture! Sorry, I just can't get enough of this mountain. I love it. When it's clear out it looks like I could just reach out and touch it. In reality it's about 60 miles away.  </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQc1QDGYr-K-YkJd8pmrZkNSvDRJkF4I7scf-BIjcTwf1FlIWWub7a8VNxHU9TUsyq1GG2r1czsMnLMRucQkB6r7Z0wy3s5rM9T9CwN0yEL1dLCUvD9hTYuR-o1Xt4WYEpN6AywV55LnaL/s1600/Mt.+Rainier.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQc1QDGYr-K-YkJd8pmrZkNSvDRJkF4I7scf-BIjcTwf1FlIWWub7a8VNxHU9TUsyq1GG2r1czsMnLMRucQkB6r7Z0wy3s5rM9T9CwN0yEL1dLCUvD9hTYuR-o1Xt4WYEpN6AywV55LnaL/s640/Mt.+Rainier.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">The part of the trail I prefer to ride my bike, but I decided after seeing the coyote sign maybe I'd better stay on the paved trail instead of wandering off into the woods by myself.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsTI5pUC9OhNrGDb7qZs0L3L-16-ApakGSvcYvz52k0oBh0zci3zqSUOTWYc9oda2sHvfu3LNZLq3KDzVNmPMLhbVYhJFCI5HihlCGVGg34kcNnN0Mx2RtzALhuZMNV86gl-o6t0cAajg2/s1600/Trail+I+really+wanted+to+ride.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsTI5pUC9OhNrGDb7qZs0L3L-16-ApakGSvcYvz52k0oBh0zci3zqSUOTWYc9oda2sHvfu3LNZLq3KDzVNmPMLhbVYhJFCI5HihlCGVGg34kcNnN0Mx2RtzALhuZMNV86gl-o6t0cAajg2/s640/Trail+I+really+wanted+to+ride.JPG" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Just part of the trail. And yes, there's a horrible power line that runs along the side of the trail. I'm sure I'm getting an extra dose of cancer-causing electricity jolted through my body when I ride next to it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1gr-DK7ROAI8ipxrJ1qv-EzVVdP2-6v4HPNbWpBvfpTCSNHvu1ZdPXqT0i51J66ehjBKln1N4_y3bHrQsYHHA8T8Mpbhbgk508NLPQewNzoWOqkB0adOrLr3QVIKFXnAIbLxTYCAOivoD/s1600/the+bike.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1gr-DK7ROAI8ipxrJ1qv-EzVVdP2-6v4HPNbWpBvfpTCSNHvu1ZdPXqT0i51J66ehjBKln1N4_y3bHrQsYHHA8T8Mpbhbgk508NLPQewNzoWOqkB0adOrLr3QVIKFXnAIbLxTYCAOivoD/s640/the+bike.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> Just a picture of me, not exactly flattering. I was trying to get Mt. Rainier in the picture, it's behind me somewhere, but somehow I totally missed getting it in the picture.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK_6zVkgx7osA3o7s_Ppl3XBkmyo_bUwV_j7Y9ti4C1ES-QBBoT__IsdARmY-Nu3jA7XxKchfyxepSUUbYf12p-XG1uaR73v5BYY9woDxTia1Ha0xyeTNz8cZTkBEy-Nut2nTE6tSCuuWM/s1600/me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK_6zVkgx7osA3o7s_Ppl3XBkmyo_bUwV_j7Y9ti4C1ES-QBBoT__IsdARmY-Nu3jA7XxKchfyxepSUUbYf12p-XG1uaR73v5BYY9woDxTia1Ha0xyeTNz8cZTkBEy-Nut2nTE6tSCuuWM/s400/me.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Part of the trail that's fun going down, not so fun going up on the other side. I can't believe how much harder the hills are now that I'm so much heavier. I thought I was going to have to walk my bike up some of the hills, but I forced myself to do it. It wasn't easy and my heart rate was up to 155 at one point, but I did it!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVRlk6w2953MrdE6fMlvEUYSlJDwR3FYJWEcuxhr1AAlUA4fTMGYH1vC5wAMyk_foe6gMISFoYF3pePabxCpQg6mxulfd1a5lPQJ2kUpYcc6MIdD91Web8kJBEEFCWmYPTjPQWBgJ9TmhA/s1600/The+trail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVRlk6w2953MrdE6fMlvEUYSlJDwR3FYJWEcuxhr1AAlUA4fTMGYH1vC5wAMyk_foe6gMISFoYF3pePabxCpQg6mxulfd1a5lPQJ2kUpYcc6MIdD91Web8kJBEEFCWmYPTjPQWBgJ9TmhA/s640/The+trail.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br />Dinner tonight was wonderful. Kalbi chicken breasts that I bought ready to cook from the neighborhood butcher, and fresh broccoli and sweet corn on the cob from the neighborhood produce store. I stopped in on my way home and tied the bags to my bike handle bars for the last two blocks home. It made for a perfect ending to a perfect day.<br /><br />Note: you may notice I took down my old "after" picture where I weighed 152. It use to be on the right side. I didn't like to look at it because every time I saw it, it made me a little bit sad. I'll post new pictures when I lose some weight.

Falling down and forgiveness

My bike ride was awesome! It was the best bike ride I've had in a long time. Perfect weather, 71 degrees going to the gym and 75 degrees...

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Where is the time going?

It's really true what they say, the older you get the faster time flies. As I'm approaching 56 in a couple of weeks I feel like time is speeding up. What seems like a few days is actually a few weeks. It's like I'm living a movie where everything is being fast-forwarded.<br /><br />That's part of the reason my posts have been so few and far between. Every day I think of several topics I want to write about, but I never seem to find the time to actually sit down and write.<br /><br />It's the same with my dieting. Almost every day ends on the same note...well, I screwed up again today, but there's always tomorrow. I've been saying that for weeks, or actually, I guess it's been months, perhaps even years now. <br /><br />How have I been doing? <br />I've been doing better in all areas of my life. Not perfect, just better.<br /><br />Work is still work, and I've decided to learn something new at work. All my protesting that I didn't want to learn anything new is what led me down the path of my job ending in a few years.<br /><br />I work in IT. It's a changing world. If I want to stay in IT I have to change with it. I don't know why it took me so long to accept this fact, but I have and now it's time to get going on learning the new technologies that I was unreasonably dead set on not learning. I decided that was a career ending move on my part, and now is not the time to end a career. I'm almost 56 and we're in an economical crisis here in the United States with record unemployment rates. It's really not the time to consider a career change. I've accepted this and it's made things much better in my workplace.<br /><br />The unending quest to lose weight continues. Sometimes I amaze myself at my refusal to give up on losing weight, especially considering I've felt like a miserable failure in the weight loss arena for many months now.<br /><br />Since Monday I managed to lose six pounds, from 199 to 193. Some of that weight loss is from the Triamterene blood pressure meds, a very low-dose diuretic. My BP is now 121/62, a huge improvement from 148/98 that it was on Monday. I hate taking a medication, but I hate the possibility of a stroke or doing damage to my heart even more than I hate taking a tiny pill each day.<br /><br />I cut back quite a bit on my food intake last week so I know it wasn't all water weight that I lost. My binge food all week was cherries. The Asian market, HMart, sells the most incredible tasting local sweet dark red cherries as well as Rainier cherries at a crazy low price ($1.49 & $1.99 a pound). I think I've finally eaten my fill of them for a while. I'm actually glad they're seasonal because I was wondering if I'd ever get tired of them. <br /><br />My exercise is still not up to the level it should be. I keep finding reasons to skip the gym in the mornings. In the last week I only went four times (since last Saturday). That might sound good to a lot of people, but it's not that good for me. Five or six times would be better, and what I've been doing the past three years. My latest excuse is I'm tired and sleep is more important than exercise. They're both important. I really shouldn't be making a choice of which is more important, but when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I often go with the sleep is more important.<br /><br />Speaking of sleep, I think the Melatonin is actually working for me. I've been waking up less in the middle of the night and my sleep feels deeper and more restful. When I get up I don't feel groggy or exhausted. There's a lot of conflicting information out there on the internet regarding Melatonin, some say it works, others say it doesn't.<br /><br />The most interesting thing I read is that melatonin is naturally secreted by the pineal gland in the brain. As we age, our brain secretes less of the hormone, which is possibly why older people have trouble sleeping. Of course, they're still doing research to prove this fact. At least I didn't read about any negative effects. The worst case is that it doesn't do anything. Maybe it's all in my head, but I really think it's helping. <br /><br />Well, as I said when I started this post, time is slipping by me. I have a lot of things to get done today, top of the list is physical activity. My plan is to bike ride to the gym, then a lower body weight workout, then ride home. The temperature is suppose to get up to 80 degrees today. So far this year, we've had 78 minutes of temperatures at 80 or above here in the Seattle area (I think the highest was 81 one day for a couple of minutes). It's the running joke around her, 78 minutes of summer so far this year. <br /><br />Almost forgot to mention my Body Media. It was sent out on the delivery truck yesterday morning by UPS at 9 a.m. for delivery by the end of the day. It never arrived. I checked the UPS tracking site at about 9pm and they changed the delivery to Monday. Slightly annoying since I live about three miles from the UPS station that was the delivery truck origin. I was really hoping to play with it this weekend, but looks like I have to wait until next week. <br /><br />Now for a quick breakfast and get out on my bike, hopefully for noon before our Northwest "heat wave" hits. I'm sure folks in the 105 temps find it pretty funny that we think 80 is is HOT.<br /><br />On the agenda for tomorrow is a hike up near Mt. Rainier. My husband said he wants to go, and since it's our first nice weather weekend in weeks, we're going!

Where is the time going?

It's really true what they say, the older you get the faster time flies. As I'm approaching 56 in a couple of weeks I feel like time...

Read more »