Hola and welcome political junkies to CNN’s new/old show Crossfire! That’s right, CNN has brought back one of its greatest political shows with all new hosts and they promise lots of sparks! On the right we have Disgraced Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and sexy conservative S. E. Cupp, and on the left we have Van Jones and Stephanie Cutter. Below is a transcript of their first show…
Newt: Excuse me? First the “Hola” crap and then “disgraced?” You better watch yourself or you’ll be looking for a new job buddy!S.E. Cupp: Whatever Newt.
Stephanie Cutter: *rolls eyes*
Van Jones: Lighten up Francis.
Newt: My name isn’t Francis.
S.E: I think it was a joke Newt.
Van: It was a reference to the movie “Stripes”
Stephanie: Yeah, you know? Bill Murray?
Newt: Lame pop culture references to lowbrow 70’s comedies will not be tolerated Van, even though that isn’t your REAL name.
Van: Is this how we’re gonna start things?
Newt: How did you get the name “Van?” Is it in reference to your being conceived in the back of a van during a “hey sailor if you’ve got the money, I’ve got the time” situation?
S.E: Hey-OOOOOOO
Stephanie: SHOTS FIRED!
Newt: What? I’m unarmed!
Van: Well, you’re unarmed intellectually anyway.
Stephanie: *giggle*
S.E: Nice!
Newt: Okay, now that we have all the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get busy.
S.E: I love to get busy.
Stephanie: Me too!
Van and Newt: That’s hot!
Newt: Okay, DOMA and Prop 8 rulings. Obviously, a disaster. The Supreme Court is on its way to morally bankrupting this country.
Stephanie: I really don’t think so. It’s all about basic human rights and human dignity.
S.E: I’m gonna have to agree with Stephanie on this one Newt.
Newt: Of course you will. You probably wanna do her.
S. E: What?
Newt: Well, with a rack like yours, I’m sure lesbians hit on you all the time.
Stephanie: I know I would if I were a lesbian.
S.E: This is highly inappropriate and won’t tolerate it. Back me up here Van.
Van: It is inappropriate, but also relevant to my interests, ifyouknowwhatImean?
Newt: Anyway, gay marriage invalidates straight marriage. Straight marriage loses all real meaning when gays get married, right?
Stephanie: Nope
Van: I don’t think so Newtster.
S.E: Not really.
Newt: Well it ruined all of mine!
S.E: How so?
Newt: Every time gay marriage becomes an issue, one of my marriages falls apart.
Stephanie: I thought your cheating ruined your marriages?
Newt: Gay marriage is immoral, so just discussing it makes me do immoral things.
S.E: Really?
Van: Well, Callista must be as nervous as Paula Deen riding the express elevator with The Pips then!
Stephanie: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!
S.E: LOL! *Hi-5’s Van*
Newt: You know what? Let’s just call it a day for our first show and maybe CNN could find some people on my intellectual level?
Van: Great idea Newtie-Poo. My car is out front, who wants to go get a drink?
S.E: I’m in!
Stephanie: Shotgun!
Newt: *sniff, sniff*
Van: Aww … It’s okay Newt. You can come too!
Newt: Really? Gee thanks!!!
Van: Just try not to be an asshole.
Newt: That’s kind of hurtful but okay. Hey! Can we pretend you’re my chauffeur?
Van: Don’t push it.
Newt: Okay.
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CNN Brings Back Crossfire! Updated at :
9:00 PM
Monday, July 1, 2013
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