Learning to love

Yes, I'm fine. Thank you so much for your comments and emails and words of support.  I'm fine, really I am.  I'm emotional and this is a place for me to vent. 

A little over 13 years ago, he brought me from what was one of the deepest darkest moments in my life.  I was broken in the truest sense of broken.  I was newly out of a really bad relationship (which was rebound from another bad situation).  I didn't have much money or a roof over my head.  Family was never there for me.  I had no friends left, I'd alienated myself from them for what I thought was love.  I was seriously contemplating suicide.  It was that bad.  He didn't ask questions (haha, now I know why).  He was just there.  He kept food in my belly, a warm place to live, comfort in normalcy and a way to carry on.  He was then and always will my hero.

My hero isn't perfect and neither am I. 

You have to learn how to love.  He is still learning that love is a verb.  It is something evolving.  It is a bucket that gets filled and then spills into the other's bucket, then overflows back into yours.  It takes effort and it's an ongoing constant process.

Sometimes I think that I deserve better (I do) and that someone else could give me what I need (probably could) BUT that imaginary person isn't the one I love.  And I won't give up on love. 

I spent the afternoon with my other love, this chubby pony right here.  I stare into the soul of the one that stares back into mine.  The eyes are that gateway and his are soft and kind, like a little doe. We spent hours together in the grass while I listened to the sweet music of his content grazing.  No expectations, no work, no nothing.  The grass was always greener under my butt so he had me in giggles as he shoved me around to get it.  I'd move away and he'd creep back, again and again. It's a magnetic attraction between us.

He's a sassy little thing and sometimes hard to handle... just like me.  He's hurt me and I kept believing in him.  Once we came to an understanding, he never hurt me again.  Together we can be graceful, jump, romp or just simply go for a walk.  I can sit on him in the field, my skin on his, feeling his every breath and sometimes even his heartbeat under my legs.  He was previously misunderstood and was given up on by others.  I wouldn't give up on him though.  You see, he hadn't known love and he hadn't learned to trust.  He had no reason to until I came along. I didn't bully him as others had.  I stayed by his side, forgave the idiotic stuff, and in time he learned to love.  We learned how to understand and we grew together. 

So when I look at my husband I see the same thing.  I see the same depth of character.  Misunderstood, especially when you read the words that spew through my hurt feelings. I'd accepted our relationship for what it was for many years.  Now I know I don't have to.  Communication and love (the verb) will get better in time because I'm determined to make it happen.  I won't pressure, I won't bully, but I won't back down in my efforts either.

(this post was edited because it got too personal and not as anonymous as it should be)

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Posted by: Tukiyooo Learning to love Updated at : 5:25 AM

Monday, July 1, 2013