Putting My Career Transition on Hold

<br />The other part of my not wanting children surrounds my career.  I'm pursuing a new field of work, and the time it's going to take me to accomplish this goal is unknown at this point.  What I do know is that it would've been a whole lot easier doing this without a child in the picture.  Now, I just worry that I'll ever be able to finish at all!<br /><br />Since 2010, I have been pursuing a second degree to become a nurse.   I've already covered a lot of ground in this area, but I have a lot more left to go.  I was excited to start at a new school in Fall 2012 and was highly motivated about getting my remaining courses knocked out.  Then about 2 months into the semester I not only found out about being pregnant, but I was dealing with all day sickness.  It was so hard to concentrate on school and devote the same level of time to studying that I was previously used to.  I even failed an exam, which I had never done in all of my college career.  I was able to finish the semester and pass my class, but I decided against signing up for the Spring.  I was so stressed out last semester, I knew there was no way I could combat another one, especially not knowing if/when the sickness would end.  I am honestly happy I've taken this semester off, but it was still a tough decision knowing I'd be setting my career dreams off even longer. <br /><br />I know that plenty of parents out there are pursuing degrees and making it work.  Still, my thoughts have always been why stress yourself out anymore than necessary?  I am very desperate to make a career change because I hate my job so much right now.  Thinking about having to stay in this field any longer depresses me.  Still, I will now have another life I'm responsible for and I know I will have to do what it takes to provide for this child. <br /><br />Some of my other reasons for not wanting to having children include the financial burdens and constraints, not wanting to give up my freedom, losing "Joel and me" time, fear of being a bad parent, fear of bringing a human into this world that seems less than ideal right now, etc etc.   There are others but that is the gist.<br />

Baby Busbee Putting My Career Transition on Hold

The other part of my not wanting children surrounds my career.  I'm pursuing a new field of work, and the time it's going to take me...

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Pregnancy and Weight Gain

I want to step back and talk about why I didn't ever want to have kids, since it largely has to do with the topic of TBW.  <br /><br />Now, we all know that having children means gaining weight.  Yes, there are those women who, days after giving birth, appear like they were never pregnant in the first place - I'm sure you know some of them too!  But, I'm assuming that most of my audience has struggled with their weight.  And for me, the idea of gaining weight terrified me, especially intentionally gaining weight.  That is actually one reason (of many!) why I didn't/don't take birth control - it makes me gain weight.  Still, even if I was able to reach my goal weight before having children, I don't believe my mindset would have changed on this matter, especially since I have other reasons besides weight gain as to why I didn't want kids.  <br /><br />Being pregnant when you are under 200 lbs is one thing.  But being pregnant at 235 lbs was not exactly what I would call ideal.  I was big to begin with, so now I'm going to get even bigger.  Not only that, I had a lot of embarrassment surrounding being a plus size pregnant lady.  For starters, how hard is it to find plus size maternity clothes?  Sure, Motherhood sells them, but they aren't cheap!  I had to drop a small fortune on a new wardrobe simply because I am a plus size pregnant lady.  If I were smaller, I could have at least gotten away with Target Maternity clothes or another cheaper brand, but this is not my reality.  So on the surface, another source of my pregnancy devastation was that I would be putting my body through a process that was not ideal for it at this weight.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I owe more to my child than to have it develop/grow in an overweight body.  If given the choice I would have rather been at goal.  <br /><br />Not only that, but because I'm already a bigger lady, is anyone ever even going to be able to tell I'm actually pregnant?  At this point, I'd still say the answer is no.  I know what my body looks like at 235, but now that I'm over 5 months pregnant I definitely can tell that my belly is a pregnant one.  But to the people who don't know me.... can they tell?  I doubt it.  I'm sure they think I'm just another overweight woman.  That does bother me, I have to be honest.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSWI-mjjnNE-rXwe3rwdIgjGFhOu9Sw_2HYQ4hFOVWmamLV5WGeL9zkyLN4aM31xodv4BRnE58SVd39NHeYMvOxmqPcdqs8u9lxrN7bd2fvYAxf6bmm46rlXygnvXEWWqlBjbihtlAjyY/s1600/21+weeks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" mea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSWI-mjjnNE-rXwe3rwdIgjGFhOu9Sw_2HYQ4hFOVWmamLV5WGeL9zkyLN4aM31xodv4BRnE58SVd39NHeYMvOxmqPcdqs8u9lxrN7bd2fvYAxf6bmm46rlXygnvXEWWqlBjbihtlAjyY/s400/21+weeks.jpg" width="238" /></a></div><br />That is just how I feel about the process of being pregnant.  But, what happens after I have the baby?  How hard is it going to be then to lose the weight, not just the baby weight but the baby weight plus the initial weight I was trying to lose?  Living where I do, I always feel stressed/strapped for time with a long commute and a 9 hr work day.  I know it's going to be that much harder to make exercise and healthy eating a priority once the baby arrives.  Can I do it?  I hope so!  I want to be able to do it so I can be the best version of myself so that I can be around long enough to enjoy my child and my life with Joel.  Only time will tell.

Baby Busbee Pregnancy and Weight Gain

I want to step back and talk about why I didn't ever want to have kids, since it largely has to do with the topic of TBW.  Now, we all k...

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Pregnancy: In the Beginning - Part 2

By the time I could get rescheduled with my doctor, I was desperate for relief.  I tried absolutely every morning sickness aid that was suggested to me, and the list was long:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">1. Sea bands (2 different brands!)<br />2. Preggie pops<br />3. Saltines<br />4. Ginger ale<br />5. Eating before getting out of bed<br />6. Eating before getting out of bed while keeping my head on the pillow and my eyes closed.<br />7. Exercise - which actually helped.  However, it was hard to motivate myself to get up and move when I felt like death.<br />8. Small, constant meals<br />9. Ginger candies<br />10. Ginger root<br />11. Hard candies (Jolly Ranchers, etc)<br />12. Peppermint candies<br />13. Toast<br />14. Chicken broth</blockquote><br />Honestly - none of those worked for me, with the exception of the exercise.  As soon as the exercise was over though, I was sick all over again.  When I was finally able to see my doctor, she gave me a prenatal that had vitamin B-12, which is said to ward off nausea.  It seemed to help at first, but maybe that was just a false positive, because eventually it didn't make any difference.  My doctor tried to prescribe some medicine to me, but my insurance wouldn't cover it.  She said my next best bet was to try Benadryl.  Benadryl is the only thing that gave me any kind of relief!  The relief was almost instant too and it was glorious when I could finally lay on the couch without a perpetual stomachache.  Still, I'm not a fan of pumping myself full of medicine, so I tried to take it sparingly even though my doctor assured me it was safe.<br /><br />I had my first ultrasound a few short weeks later to determine the due date of the baby.  Even though I was certain on the date of conception, I couldn't remember exactly the date of my last period and that was info they insisted on knowing.  By mid-November we knew we were due to have a baby by June 22, 2013! <br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYFa-H2dLgyzhy3copnUf9oI2cb-J-GqAIfMn5pYnCgoQUtv-kMnF8KF7U8woDfFSzuIyHuUBc51ss__7ccP2y-9O_G4ot5OP39EAEpmiSkZfmIBcVRMMDJV89W9nmhVUyCjWGWn2I-VI/s1600/baby+busbee+9+weeks+-+Copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYFa-H2dLgyzhy3copnUf9oI2cb-J-GqAIfMn5pYnCgoQUtv-kMnF8KF7U8woDfFSzuIyHuUBc51ss__7ccP2y-9O_G4ot5OP39EAEpmiSkZfmIBcVRMMDJV89W9nmhVUyCjWGWn2I-VI/s400/baby+busbee+9+weeks+-+Copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby @ 9 weeks</td></tr></tbody></table>Seeing the little kidney bean on the screen was miraculous.  Everyone I know describes it that same way, but I guess I was still in such denial of being pregnant that when I first saw the little blob on the screen, with it's beating heart, I couldn't believe that was inside of me!

Baby Busbee Pregnancy: In the Beginning - Part 2

By the time I could get rescheduled with my doctor, I was desperate for relief.  I tried absolutely every morning sickness aid that was sugg...

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Pregnancy: In the Beginning - Part 1

I found out I was pregnant on a Wednesday.  By that Friday I had a doctor's appointment with my primary care physician just to verify the results <i>(This probably seems odd in hindsight, but I really didn't know what I should be doing in this situation.  Plus I have zero knowledge of the OB's in the area.)</i>  She confirmed the results, and basically stated that over-the-counter pregnancy tests are just as reliable as the urine tests they run in their office.<br /><br />That afternoon Joel and I decided to tell both of our parents the news.  Even though I would've only been about 6 weeks pregnant, we were still upset over it.  We thought that by telling them and hearing their reaction, it might help cheer us up.  Of course, they were both very excited and it did help us feel a little better about everything.  In fact, both of us shared the news with many people straight away.  I know that is a big, old pregnancy faux-pas because of the vulnerability of the fetus in the first trimester.  However, I needed to talk about it.  I needed to hear positive reactions and words of comfort to keep me going.  Plus, my coworkers were beginning to question why I wasn't showing up to work.  I don't regret doing this.   <br /><br />By the following Monday I was set to have my very first appointment with the OBGYN, but it got cancelled due to Hurricane Sandy.  By this time, I was in full fledged "all day sickness" mode.  There was no such thing as "morning sickness" with me.  I attempted work for two straight days the following week and had to leave both days by noon.  Fortunately, I can work at home.  But for those who work jobs that don't allow that kind of flexibility, I don't know how you do it! <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://lastshredsofsanity.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/cartoon11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://lastshredsofsanity.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/cartoon11.png" width="260" /></a></div>I literally felt like I was dying a slow death each day.  The smell of most things nauseated me, and trying to find things to eat was a whole new challenge.   The sight of ALL food gagged me.  I had to go buy unscented body wash, hand soap and deodorant   Joel had to take over laundry duty because I couldn't stand to smell the detergent.  Even loading the dishwasher and seeing bits of food on the plates was enough to send me over the edge! <i>(This is why I've been absent of comments from many of your blogs - reading about food - I could not take it!  I even had to take about 2 months off from Pinterest because I couldn't bear seeing pictures of food on there!) </i> I had a hard time showering - something about the water made me nauseous.  Brushing my teeth.... oh Lord!  I couldn't attempt that until at least noon every day because first thing in the morning was just asking for a disaster. <br /><br />To say the least, I was in total disbelief that this was all happening, and <i>so </i>quickly at that.  Literally, overnight, my world was turned upside down with the daily bouts of sickness and going to bed at 7 PM - I was having such a hard time processing it.   I lost total control of everything - God was definitely testing us!  Some things I found comfort in during that time was watching re-runs of Roseanne followed by Reba.  That became my nightly routine!  I also caught up on all the DVR'd episodes of 19 Kids and Counting - another show that comforted me.  Also, Joel was so incredibly helpful and positive throughout the entire ordeal, I wouldn't know what to do without him! <br /><br /><br />

Baby Busbee Pregnancy: In the Beginning - Part 1

I found out I was pregnant on a Wednesday.  By that Friday I had a doctor's appointment with my primary care physician just to verify th...

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A Pea in the Pod

If you follow me on FB, then you might know by now the reason for my extended absence.<br />  <br />If not, here's the little <em>gem</em> of a story:<br /><br />Back in mid-October, on a mild Monday morning, as I was sitting at my desk sipping a Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha (<a href="http://www.nothankstocake.com/2011/09/16/two-airport-finds-and-the-truth-about-the-salted-caramel-mocha/" target="_blank">Kelly style</a>), a sudden urge of nausea fell over me.  <em>(If you're a woman, you probably know where I'm going with this already.  But rest assured, I did not know where this was going, I can tell you that!)</em>  The feeling eventually passed, though my appetite was definitely lacking as the day drew on.  By Tuesday morning I called out sick from work, feeling even <em>more</em> nauseous that I did the day before.  By Wednesday, I figured I was just battling a stomach bug, so I proceeded back to work, with absolutely no desire to start my day off with the Starbucks fall beverages.  Obviously something was wrong with me - rarely do I ever turn down Starbucks OR food!  <br /><br />Since I was having a tough time eating/drinking, I decided to start myself on the BRAT diet.  The whole wheat toast seemed to calm my stomach temporarily, but before too long I was back to feeling nauseated again.  My boss inquired as to how I was feeling, and after explaining my symptoms to her, she said "Hilary, I think you might be pregnant."   <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><em><span style="color: #674ea7;"><strong><insert crickets.....="" crickets="" many="" of="" sound="" the=""> </insert></strong></span></em></div><br />Well, I was <em>certain</em> that I was not pregnant.  I had been getting crampy just like normal, expecting my period to come any day now.   Still, I don't use any form of birth control.  <em>(My reasons are my reasons - the end.)</em>  Joel and I have made it 5.5 years without one single scare.  Regardless, the point is I don't use it, so to most it might be a no-brainer that I <em>was</em> pregnant.  <br /><br />What only Joel and I did know at that time was there was 1 scare on September 29.  I just about ran to Walgreen's that day to pick up <a href="http://www.planbonestep.com/" target="_blank">Plan B</a> (for those not familiar, this is NOT the 'abortion pill'. - It's like a super birth control pill).  Plan B, when taken properly, is <em>supposed</em> to be 95% effective.  <br /><br />However, as the morning went on at work, my mind started racing with the thoughts that I might actually be pregnant.  I mean, Plan B is not 100%!  So at lunch time, I drove to Walgreen's and bought 2 different brands of pregnancy tests.  I took one immediately.  At first I saw only one line and was so relieved.  But by the time I washed my hands and was just about to pitch the test, a second, faint line appeared!  I immediately starting bawling - I was in such shock!  <br /><br />Joel and I never wanted children.  No, we weren't exactly doing much to prevent it, but it wasn't something we were actively trying for either.  I quickly asked my boss if I could take off the rest of the day and I bolted out of the office.  I dialed and redialed Joel's number numerous times to get him awake (he works nights), but he wouldn't pick up.  By some miracle, he called me back shortly thereafter, saying he actually never heard his phone ringing but happened to notice a bunch of missed calls from me.  I broke the news to him in sobs, only for him to respond in almost complete silence.  We were both, to say the least, devastated.  <br /><br /><em><span style="color: #351c75;">To Be Continued.....</span></em><br /><br /><em>Before I end today's post, I'm going to stop right here and address this "devastation".  I know there are judgmental eyes out there right now saying "You ungrateful so and so - I've been desiring pregnancy all my life and cannot get pregnant and here you are - complaining because you were able to conceive when you didn't even have to try!"  </em><br /><br /><em>The truth is, I'm not ungrateful.  I had a plan for my life that never involved children, and God quickly revealed to both of us that it's not our plan, but His.  I am grateful for this blessing He has given us, but it took me a long time to absorb that.  The point is, judge all you want to.  For as much as you, or someone you know, desires to have children but has struggled with conceiving - there are others out there who have that same desire to NOT have children for many reasons.  Now, I love kids.  I grew up holding/caring for babies - I come from a family large enough that there is almost always a baby present in the clan.  I'm great with children, in fact, because of this experience.  However, we both knew that we didn't want children of our own.  </em><br /><br /><em>One main reason for this should be obvious.  I'm overweight.  Having children means you gain weight - weight that I often hear is harder to lose post partem.   I didn't need, nor want, childbearing to bog down my already struggling weight loss journey.  Now, this is not the only reason for not wanting kids, but I can tell you where I was at in my life on September 29, 2012, this was a large reason for not wanting kids.</em>

Baby Busbee A Pea in the Pod

If you follow me on FB, then you might know by now the reason for my extended absence.   If not, here's the little gem of a story: Back...

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