Only I've crossed the line and there's poo in the bed more often than not. And while one would want to keep the awesome dog that occasionally poo's the house, nobody wants the dog that's constantly stinking up the place with her shit.
So I've got the pesky little ADD thing that's been slowly taking over my entire existence. Then there's this little OCD thing that hasn't been a real issue in probably 20 years. Both are waging battle in my head - Ooooh what's that? Did you hear about...? Wonder what she's doing. Let's get lunch... You're very capable and can do this perfect. Just get organized. Let's sort it out and make a list! No, lets make many lists and it will all be perfect! Clean the counter first so the lists are tidy. Color code the lists! It'll be so much more organized and easier that way! Did you hear that siren? I'm hungry! I'm bored and I hate being a grown up! What's for dinner? Check your email!!!! There's too many things to do! Lets do everything at once! I see a squirrel! You're right. You know you won't finish the lists anyway. And what you get done is either wrong or will be undone as soon as you do it. There's no point. I quit. Nanna nanna boo boo, I'm the winner... Let's go yell at somebody for something stupid! Wooohooo lets go!
It doesn't help that hubby and I own our jobs. Or that I'm responsible for his ability to work effectively. Or that I have to answer to him throughout the day about what I screwed up this time.
We're not doing the whole thing DD thing like most. It's dawned on me that we kind of are in our own unofficial way. We've got very clear roles and expectations. No consequences though. Well there are, I get the look of death so often I'm starting to think that's what his face really looks like. Then there's some immature/sarcastic things he'll sometimes do because they're effective (as he puts it) but it takes me days of anger and hurt feelings before I understand what he's trying to tell me. Communication isn't there yet. But, he's working from the crack of cock-a-doodle-doo until well past bedtime. Hoping when this project is done in September, we can go back to our old 50-hour work weeks and function like humans again. So there's literally been no energy or time to invest in us as a couple. I have high hopes it'll get better. But anyway...
I had my ADD & daily anxiety medications taken away a few months ago because of dangerous blood pressure. It's normal now, meaning that one of my cocktail was causing it. Over these last few months, I've not only become horrible at my job, I've become a terrible mother and just a person you don't want to live with. I've been flustered and angry. I never thought of myself as being an angry person, here I am lashing out at everyone. To use the analogy, I'm shitting the bed all day long. On purpose.
Other problem is that when my ADD is out of control, everybody at work loves me. I'm bubbly, outgoing, chatty, overly interested in their personal lives... I'm fun. I'm the boss and I"m not letting them do their jobs. But darn it, it's fun and I like to have fun!
My shrink moved to a new practice. Because of a no-compete agreement with his previous employer, he's not allowed to see me for a year. I was devastated by this originally, now I'm seeing the light.
New shrink in place. I hate her and won't go back. But we did talk about medicine. I need it. No matter how much I try to deny it. Being stubborn against myself punishes me and everyone around me. I have a problem and it has to be treated. Sometimes treatments cause side effects. My blood pressure can be dealt with if it becomes a problem again.
I've been staring at the medicine, toying with the idea of taking it for a while now. I finally bit the bullet yesterday morning and took it.
It's supposed to take days-weeks to notice a difference. I felt lighter by the afternoon. Not like "everything's all better" kind of thing. I just feel better. Settled. Peace negotiations have begun between my conflicting inner thoughts. Calmer headed. Not angry at all. Organized in a good way. I have a game plan for slowly digging myself out of my hole. So stupid that I can't just do things without someone/something making me do them. Oh well. Things are going to get much better now!
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
Clarity Updated at :
9:46 AM
Friday, July 19, 2013
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