Mitt Romney Shocked He Lost the Powerball

This is an IWS World News™ exclusive…

Calling it “more like WEAK-Ball, amIright?” Former GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney is reportedly “shocked” that he didn’t win the $500 million dollar Powerball Lottery. Romney is so stunned in fact, that he is refusing to acknowledge the loss while huddling with his advisors and family. There was a large crowd of mostly middle aged and older white males who had gathered at the Super Stop and Shop on Everett St in Boston, where Romney bought the ticket, to help the former Massachusetts governor celebrate, but they are mostly sad and dejected.

“We’re all just stunned” said one aid who asked to remain anonymous because he’s embarrassed to be associated with the Romney’s, “we’ve got all these Asians who all have PHD’s in statistics and mathematics and stuff, and they assured us that we had the right numbers.” Others are still holding out hope though, some have pointed out that the drawing isn’t official yet and they have a team of lawyers ready to roll on Mr. Romeny’s order.

Going the legal route isn’t without risk though. One member of the Romney team pointed out that they have to worry about public perception too. “What if the winner is a black or Hispanic single mother? It would be an absolute public relations disaster to go after someone like that. We have to be careful.”

But, there are still other supporters who think it’s worth a risk. Conservative firebrand Todd Akin says a minority single mother is the perfect target to go after and take the $500 million from. “She’ll just blow it on birth control and sexy toys,” says Akin. “That’s all those people think about, you know. It’s just disgusting. I think America would be absolutely appalled to see an irresponsible woman with loose morals win something as important and pure as the Powerball.”

Even Mitt Romney’s supporters in the media are at bit red-faced tonight. Conservative columnists Michael Barone and George Will both predicted that Romney would win the drawing. “When the ping pong balls have all come bouncing down that plastic and metal slide and lined up in an orderly fashion, Gov. Willard “Mitt” Romney will have won $500,000,000 American Dollars. I’m convinced it will happen. If it doesn’t, I’ll eat my bowtie,” said the Dean of the Washington Punditry, George Will.

Fox News’ Dick Morris couldn’t be reached for comment this evening. He has been the most vocal over the last couple of days in certainty that Romney would win. “Unless this thing is fixed, Romney has it nailed down. I’ve been running the numbers all day in my head and I see no scenario in which Romney loses.” Morris isn’t without his critics though, Matt-Man and Jayman, hosts of the wildly popular #1 Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio “I’m With Stupid” have both pointed out that it was Dick Morris who once went on The O’Reilly Factor and declared that there was “no way whatsoever the Maginot Line can be penetrated by the Germans.”

Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) who was Romney’s running mate has been pretty quiet. “I’m not a numbers guy, you know. It’s all just a bit too fancy and complicated for me,” said Ryan. “I’ll just concentrate on helping to put together the 2013 Federal Budget and let them work this out.”

IWSWN™ will stay on top of this story and bring you the latest updates as we learn them.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012