I know why I ate like a woman possessed last night. I even knew when it was it was happening why I was doing it.
My best friend knows some things about me that very few people in this world know. They're dark, ugly things. Things I wish had never happened.
About two years ago I met someone online. A man. A funny, witty and charming man that lives in a far away city. Emails were exchanged, online chats started, then there were the phone calls, lots of phone calls. I've never met this person in real life, but I thought I was falling in love with him. It became an online affair.
Some people don't believe having an online relationship is cheating in a marriage, and they think no one will get hurt. If that's what you think, you're wrong on both accounts.
My marriage was going through a rough patch at the time. After almost a year, my husband found out about the other man by reading my emails, but he didn't know the emotional attachment I had establish with this person. We talked about divorce and went to marriage counseling.
I saw a therapist on my own and told her everything. She told me I needed to come clean and tell my best friend and be accountable to her. If I felt like calling the other man, I was suppose to call my best friend. The therapist also told me I have extremely low self-esteem (I really didn't need to pay her $150 an hour to find that out...I already knew.).
A little about my best friend. I've known her for twenty years. She's the kindest, sweetest, funniest and most moral person I've ever known. She's not a prude nor is she judgemental. She's what you would call "good people".
When I'm with her, I can't stop laughing. Last night I laughed so hard I was crying and my jaw hurt. She's a very strong Christian, but she doesn't shove it down my throat. She doesn't just talk the talk, she walks the walk. I've always wished I was more like her. I love her to pieces and consider myself blessed beyond words that she's my best friend.
When I told her my secret about a year ago, she reacted just as I suspected. She was shocked, but kind and supportive. I told her things I haven't told anyone. It was embarrassing, but it was a relief.
The last year I have slowly been trying to pull myself away from the man that I was so totally infatuated with. Because of the emotional attachment on my part, I couldn't just stop cold. I don't blame him or hate him for any of the emotions or feelings I've gone through. It was all my own fault. I pursued him, and he reciprocated. He's not a bad person, and neither am I, but we did some bad things.
The phone calls have stopped completely, as well as the online chatting. The emails are fewer and farther between, and these days they're always initiated by me. I think he's moved on to greener pastures, which is good for both of us.
I often wish I could have amnesia for that part of my life. I wish I could forget. It was against everything I believe in. It hurt my husband, it hurt my best friend and it hurt me. The other man, I don't think he really cared about me or even notices I'm gone. I was a slight diversion from his daily life, that was all.
I'm just starting to get back to being myself, to being a wife to my husband, a friend to my best friend. I've been in a strange, and often scary place for almost two years (my crazy period started in April 2008).
Last night my girlfriend kept saying over and over, "it's so wonderful to have you back! It's like you died and have been resurrected!" She must have said this at least a dozen times at dinner. I know she meant to make me feel happy, to feel loved. Instead I felt embarrassment and shame.
She said it was just like when her sister was addicted to prescription drugs and disappeared out of her life for about a year. Even after her sister went to rehab and kicked her habit, it was about another year before she was back to being her old self.
When my girlfriend kept telling how happy she was that I was back, I kept thinking about where I'd been for so long. My dark secret still haunts me. I still feel bad about it. Last night I ate, and ate, and ate some more. I'm not much of a drinker, and I don't do drugs. I eat.
If you've read this far, you're probably thinking I've totally misrepresented myself the past two years. You're right and you're wrong. Even though I did things I regret, I'm still the same person.
I'm the girl from Alaska that grew up on a homestead in the middle of nowhere. I was brought up in the Baptist church, I know right from wrong. I believe in God and in his divine forgiveness. I had the best parents and best family anyone could be blessed with. I'm married to a man that still loves me in spite of all my flaws.
I'm still the same woman struggling day after day with her weight. Speaking of weight, I feel like one has been lifted off me by sharing this with you, my dear readers, my friends. You know me a lot better now, maybe this explains some of my eating issues. I just hope you don't hate me.
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
My secret Updated at :
10:03 PM
Thursday, January 28, 2010
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