I'd been planning to avoid the subject completely, basically censoring my own blog. Or maybe start a second blog as a different person but lose the friendships i have here when i was a wearing the hat of a different person. Oh that doesn't make sense but i think you see what I'm getting at.
And i love this community very much and am so so happy to have formed real friendships outside the confines of this blog. And one of you in particular has really been that extra special friend and probably saved the last bits of my sanity. Love you!!!!
I like writing what's on my mind. Yeah sometimes i go back a few hours later and ask myself what the fuck was I thinking and delete it. But other times it's just helpful. It's a hug. It's advice. It's a bit of companionship with a subject i can't discuss with friends out in the real world.
But in the end, this blog is for me, not for you. For me to censor myself or be forced to reinvent a new persona... that just doesn't seem right. This is my space and a place i like to sort my thoughts.
I know i'll be judged for this. And i think I'm okay with that.
People say life is short. It is, at least when you're 90 and you're looking back at your life. You look back and reminisce about good times and you also have regrets. Some of those regrets are where you went wrong, but many are where you didn't bother to go right. You lived a good life, you did the safe things. But what about all those things you didn't get to do? Now you can't, you're 90. That's when life is short. You're out of time.
So here's what dawned on me... Life is long, really freaking long. I'm 38. I hope i haven't hit the halfway point of my life. Yet, here i am, looking back at my life with those same regrets. Bad choices, oh hell, there's a lot of bad choices. Good and safe choices, yeah got those too. Regrets of things I didn't do or can't do? Far too many. And you know what? I'm not 90. I don't have to accept never experiencing things i want to. I have time. And i'm going to live it. I refuse to spend the next however many decades wallowing in this state of "I wish I'd gotten a chance to..." for the sole reason that not experiencing things is the right or safe or proper choice. I guess i've finally realized things that are basically on my bucket list can be taken care of while I'm still young enough to enjoy it (perhaps over and over again) even if it's not proper or safe or right.
It's a bit past 11 pm here and i'm alone in bed writing this. My family had some fun plans for the afternoon and evening, he promised and then it didn't happen. I know better than to tell the kids anything anymore. But i know. He didn't get home until very late and now he's upstairs working out. Other things take massive priority over me. It hurts, it just sucks plain and simple. Will I leave him because he ignores me? No... but these long evenings alone, stuck in the house because of the little Things a'snooze in their beds... it just gives me more time to reflect upon empty places in my soul.
This post really isn't giving you much information, i know. And I'm not sure when or if i will. I just feel like I need to go ahead and get this out of the way so when the time comes to bring it up, it's not shocking news.
There's another character to add to my story. His name is Sir.
No, i'm not (and will not ever be) having sex with anyone other than myself, and then my husband when I'm lucky. This is understood between Sir and i. Which probably doesn't make any sense either but please just take it at face value that it's the truth.
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
A New Character Updated at :
8:26 PM
Friday, September 27, 2013
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