Not sure if I'll end up anywhere with this. I'm good at thinking in circles. Everybody needs a talent :-)
It amazes me how at least once a week someone has blogged the exact thoughts going through my head at any given time. So Smiling Belle is the winner this time. This has really been weighing heavily on me on and off, but more on lately.
Touch. It's so important to me. I'm just going to steal her words because I can't write them any better.
My primary language is "touch". Yes....I have to be touched by [my hubby] a good bit. Hold my hand, slap my ass, hug me, rub my back, stroke my face, have lots of sex with me (hehehe...oh yes I must have that too!), oh this list could go on and on but you get what I am saying.....I need to be touched by him.
So that's not the one I married. I love him and cannot imagine any different. I did kind of go into things with the thought that I'd be able to change him... haha joke's on me!
Many years later, I've come to realize, that while you can force change on an animal or a young child, you cannot make an adult mind change into something it doesn't want to. That's a pretty recent lesson for me. It took a lot of reading to finally get it through my thick skull that I wasn't ever going to make him change into the touchy feely lovey snugglebug I was craving. I now understand that I can only change myself, and through these changes I may see him evolve over time in the general direction I want.
So I get that. Am I happy with that? No!
I know there's the communication thing, the part about expressing what I want. He's not a mind reader after all. I'm talking about casual touching, about snuggling, about all that lovey dovey stuff.
So I've really done a good range of things to let him see and hear that I want him to touch me. I reach for him, I snuggle into him, I sit close, I play footsie... and not in an obsessive crazed woman kind of way. Just sometimes, when the moment seems right for that little bit of connection, then I do it. I don't feel it in return. It's like I'm touching a statue most of the time. He's very lean and muscular, so there's no natural 'squish' to cuddle into. I usually have to physically move his arm to get under it and then pull it around my body. I can hold his hand but it's not often he holds it back. Does that even make sense?
I just don't feel loved. The kids, yes, the three of us are constantly physical - and that won't last much longer before it's not cool. I just don't feel loved by him. I hope I am, though I sometimes think it's more of a love for your bestie than the person one wants to grow old with.
So I've told him a number of times that I have this deep ingrained need to be touched by him. I've never made a big stink about it or had any kind of threat or ridiculous ultimatum or anything. When I bring it up, I do get some little 'token' snuggles and then it quickly fades within a day or two.
A couple weeks ago I had a long rambling dumping of my soul to him. That might've been when he said it or maybe it was another similar time... He said something to the effect of it not being 'him' to be physically close. I don't want to put words into his mouth, but I think there was more to it than that. The message that sunk into my head was that I needed to suck it up, that I can't make him become a softer physical presence.
He lets me touch him under the covers a bit. I'm apparently like a furnace and he can't stand being hot. So it's usually my toe on his leg, sometimes I can slide my hand under his thigh without protest lol
{oopsy, edited out 'cause I got carried away again}
So where do you draw the line? How do I learn to balance expressing my desires/needs without being a nagging b----? Is there a middle point that it's okay to feel entitled to meet at, or am I trying to force him to change and become someone he is clearly not comfortable being? Is it fair for him (as the HoH-ish character in the house) to expect me to accept his non-touchiness? Is it fair to me to force change upon myself to accept being the non-touchy person he seems to want in a partner?
And no, this isn't new. This has existed since loooong before day 1 of our marriage. It's just been on my mind lately.
I'm at such a a loss. Maybe this is the only reason I feel so drawn to spanking. Maybe it's a lasting touch that I can feel later. Maybe it's a touch he'd be comfortable with, a not-so-touchy touch. Gosh I like it so much though, so clearly I'm wired all kinky in the first place.
Maybe that's what's drawing me to DD also. I need his attention, his concern, leadership, structure, consequences, etc. But maybe it's that butt whoopin' I'm really looking for. A long-lasting physical feeling that I am loved and that he does care enough to stop and help me, to touch me.
{yeah, gotta learn to reel in the emotional garbage...edited again}
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
Touch Updated at :
2:16 PM
Saturday, June 8, 2013
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