I know how to stop. I just stop. Problem is, I don't want to. I'm upset with myself yet too stubborn to listen to common sense at the moment.
Maybe this pneumonia-killing medicine is making me feel rebellious to every responsibility on the planet. Three more days of one and another week or so on the other. I hear brattiness is in the air. Maybe that's all it is.
Somewhere in the last couple weeks, I started another attempt at ceding all control over our family. I am in charge of decisions for the ones shorter than me only.
That's a scary thing to do for anybody. Even when you know somebody's got your back, even when you know it's all going to be okay, that's still a scary proposition. At least it would be to me. But when nobody's got my back, nobody's there to set the ship back on course... just sucks.
We've been bobbing along in that captain-less ship again. No meaningful decisions being made. No direction to anything we're doing. It's not like he doesn't know I want him to lead us. We've been through this a few times now. I'm probably delusional but somehow think that eventually he'll get there. Maybe it's not in him, or maybe he just doesn't want that. Not like I'd know, he's never said anything back in response. All communication of this sort is a one-way street.
This isn't about DD, this isn't about being spanked. This is just about him being the one at the head of the family. Then the letter included quite a bit about this. The letter he hasn't acknowledged - and that's okay and I know it!
I've heard I'm a wee bit passive aggressive. It goes well with my happy easy-going demeanor.
Something snapped in my head, and like I do, I made a ridiculous leap to how I was going to solve my problem. A thing that only makes every problem worse. A thing that is sabotaging not only myself but also the household and family in general. Poor kids. Poor hubby.
I decided I wasn't going grocery shopping again. At least until I was told to go shopping. Or until the fact we don't have food gets acknowledged in some way. Why am I doing this? Why oh why oh why? Wish I really understood... We have no food left. A few slices of bread - woohoo kids get lunch packed again for tomorrow! A bit of spaghetti but no sauce. No fruit. No meat. Some frozen veggies.
It didn't help that I got so sick, but again that was the passive aggressive thing. I justified it differently. I know though. I wasn't going to the doctor until he told me.
The kids toys are everywhere. I'm not telling them to clean it up. Why oh why oh why? If I step barefooted on one more train track I'm going to scream! But no, I just kick them out of the way to keep a clear path. If he tells me to make them clean up, I'd be on my hands and knees with them until the house was spotless.
I know something's gotta give. I know that something is me. I know I'm being childish. I know we're all suffering. I really want to get pizza tonight though. And we've got swim lessons and it's too hot and frankly i don't want to! And yes, that was said with my hands on my hips and I'm now sticking my tongue out!
He brought me lunch today. Fast food, 'cause there's no food in the house. He wanted to take me out and I said I was feeling guilty for not doing any work for a couple weeks. We own the business so it goes unnoticed. I thought maybe he'd react, nothing. He just brought me a lukewarm burrito and then left.
I really wish I understood how to pull his head out of the sand. I wish I knew how to pull my own foot out of my mouth too. I wish I could stop trying to make him mad at me. Yet I don't want to.
Grrr.... again, this isn't a DD thing. I know that's going to take a lot of time. I'm frustrated with always being the mommy to everybody and me always being the one who has to fix everything. I'd tell him, but he wouldn't digest the words, just leave me to feel stupid. Again.
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
Sabotage Updated at :
9:30 AM
Thursday, June 13, 2013
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