I totally understand DD not making any sense... I get that and despite my wishes I truly wasn't expecting that to go anywhere soon or ever. It's the nothing else that has me perplexed. You know, things like talking or making time to spend together, none of it made sense so no real need to go there. Fantasies that don't make sense, so shouldn't be explored. Even when they were lightly humored, my eager reactions didn't make sense so sweep it back under the rug. My feelings don't make sense, so shouldn't be validated. His exact words were, "I don't do crazy." Half of me hopes his words were just poorly chosen, though I know he meant what he said. Completely crushed and all I could say was, "I know." I still don't even know where to begin moving from here.
Oh well, good try. Sometimes it's better for fantasies to stay in fantasy land, sometimes it's better to continue seeking coping skills in pill bottles and therapy, sometimes it better to appreciate close friendships more deeply and let marriage simmer on the back burner where it belongs. If I had to do it again, I would do it differently. But I love my family, don't get me wrong.
There's only been a few things I've been wanting, but they're each really big things. Making time to talk about things other than kids/work, even just a few times a month - maybe date nights once in a while. Stop being so nice in bed and dominate me at least sometimes. Spank me - both erotic and emotional release - and not just one swat to leave a handprint. The big big one, lead me either through DD or just by generally being a leader for our family.
Maybe in time I'll get brave and try again. Maybe next time, I'll just focus on one tiny thing rather than trying to improve things in general. I didn't pummel him with everything at once so it shouldn't have been overwhelming though! Maybe I'll find a way to break down one of the things into a way that perhaps might make sense. In the meantime, I'll continue to submit where I can even though there's rarely something to submit to. I feel good when I'm able/allowed to so I can do that for myself.
I'm not special, we're not special, everybody else we know is basically like this. We don't have to just because some people have close strong marriages or really kinky times together or more traditional roles in the household. Face it, none of that is typical. It's very appealing to me, but nobody else does has these things and they're fine too. My brain is wired weird, can't help it. Reading about happy people and strong marriages has jaded me and left me longing for things that really aren't normal or typical. I married normal and typical. And that's what we are.
Disappointment is certainly the understatement of the century. But I've got my big girl panties on and life goes on. I have a family, we love each other very much, and my struggles pale in comparison to what other people struggle with every day and right this very second.
In other completely silly news, my 6 year old announced that she wants to be called Chickadee from now on.
Why? Because they're just adorably cute little birds that hop around and they're just so cute and can't we have one please please please?
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Posted by: Tukiyooo
It doesn't make any sense Updated at :
12:49 PM
Sunday, June 23, 2013
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