Cheers and Hail to the Chief Bitches!! President Obama is coming to Bagwine, Ohio Friday at Noon.
And do you know why he is coming?
Because, he has openly spoken of his drug and alcohol use during his early years, and he knows that he can easily get hooked up here wit dat type uh shit here in Bagwine. Hey-Ooooooo.
Ha-Haaaaaa…Kidding, of course.
But seriously…
If President Obama truly wants to know his audience here in Bagwine, Ohio and how he should act when he comes here Friday to address Bagwinians at Springfield High School, I have a few pointers for him.
Here in the Greater Bagwine Metroplex people don’t mind numbers, but keep it relatable.
DON’T say…
“If re-elected, I will produce 8 Million jobs over two years which will yield an economic growth of 3.2 percent per quarter and ultimately lead us to a GDP of a gazillion dollars.”
DO say…
“If re-elected, I will produce so many muthafuckin’ jobs that even if the price of a 40 of Busch remains at the outrageous price of $2.45, all y’all, or at least a family member or two, will have no trouble getting more than their share of the American Pie and can pass some of the sharing and thereby savings, not to mention the buzz, on to you!!”
DON’T say…
“While world oil markets are tenuous at best, I will try to hedge, barter, and bargain to keep the cost of gasoline below four bucks a gallon.”
DO say…
“While those Romney freaks say that I am trying to over-regulate business and commerce, nothing could be further from the truth. Springfielders? In my second term, I will make the siphoning of gasoline from your neighbor’s car legal, and your fuel costs will plummet overnight!!”
DON’T say…
“To the ladies in the audience…Regardless of what you think or your religious disposition, Birth Control for women is a right, and if your employer won’t offer it to you, the government will.”
DO say…
“Yo Bitches…Regardless of what you think or what the pimp whom you are working for thinks, he needs to offer you Birth Control, and if he doesn’t, the government will.”
DON’T say…
“I will try to finally get Republicans to be serious about our out of control illegal immigration problem and develop a plan that is both compassionate and strong.”
DO say…
“Yo Paco!! Great to see that the Dole plant here in Springfield let you off for the afternoon to come and see me. Viva Packaged Salads!!”
And then President Obama, you could make a joke about your “Kenyan” birth, because knowing these people here in Bagwine as I do, you would get support from at least half a dozen people who would yell…
“That’s okay Mr. President, my momma told me that I was born half Thalidomide, half Asbestos…It’s cool.”
So there you go Mr. President…do these things, and Friday’s event in Bagwine, Ohio will go over like gangbusters, or if you want to be more real with your audience, it will go over like gang bangers.
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
And do you know why he is coming?
Because, he has openly spoken of his drug and alcohol use during his early years, and he knows that he can easily get hooked up here wit dat type uh shit here in Bagwine. Hey-Ooooooo.
Ha-Haaaaaa…Kidding, of course.
But seriously…
If President Obama truly wants to know his audience here in Bagwine, Ohio and how he should act when he comes here Friday to address Bagwinians at Springfield High School, I have a few pointers for him.
Here in the Greater Bagwine Metroplex people don’t mind numbers, but keep it relatable.
DON’T say…
“If re-elected, I will produce 8 Million jobs over two years which will yield an economic growth of 3.2 percent per quarter and ultimately lead us to a GDP of a gazillion dollars.”
DO say…
“If re-elected, I will produce so many muthafuckin’ jobs that even if the price of a 40 of Busch remains at the outrageous price of $2.45, all y’all, or at least a family member or two, will have no trouble getting more than their share of the American Pie and can pass some of the sharing and thereby savings, not to mention the buzz, on to you!!”
DON’T say…
“While world oil markets are tenuous at best, I will try to hedge, barter, and bargain to keep the cost of gasoline below four bucks a gallon.”
DO say…
“While those Romney freaks say that I am trying to over-regulate business and commerce, nothing could be further from the truth. Springfielders? In my second term, I will make the siphoning of gasoline from your neighbor’s car legal, and your fuel costs will plummet overnight!!”
DON’T say…
“To the ladies in the audience…Regardless of what you think or your religious disposition, Birth Control for women is a right, and if your employer won’t offer it to you, the government will.”
DO say…
“Yo Bitches…Regardless of what you think or what the pimp whom you are working for thinks, he needs to offer you Birth Control, and if he doesn’t, the government will.”
DON’T say…
DO say…
“Yo Paco!! Great to see that the Dole plant here in Springfield let you off for the afternoon to come and see me. Viva Packaged Salads!!”
And then President Obama, you could make a joke about your “Kenyan” birth, because knowing these people here in Bagwine as I do, you would get support from at least half a dozen people who would yell…
“That’s okay Mr. President, my momma told me that I was born half Thalidomide, half Asbestos…It’s cool.”
So there you go Mr. President…do these things, and Friday’s event in Bagwine, Ohio will go over like gangbusters, or if you want to be more real with your audience, it will go over like gang bangers.
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
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President Obama Comes to Springfield, Ohio Updated at :
9:01 PM
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
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