Ups and Downs

This is a few days worth of ups and downs.  I'd start writing, not finish, then life would turn another way.  Wanted to keep it all on here even though my feelings have changed.  <br /><br /><b><u>Monday</u></b><br />I planned a date night that required my mother in law to watch the kids.  I'm funny about babysitters and now that my niece has left for college there's just nobody I have a good level of trust with. There's friends, but they've got their kids to worry about and it was a school night.  It was all worked out that she'd pick up kids from their schools, handle the entire day and put them to bed for us.<br /><br />MIL put a damper on the evening as MIL's sometimes have a tendency to do.  Basically she is convinced I'm the reason hubby is going to keel over from a heart attack.  I can't say anything in situations like this because every word out of my mouth is twisted into something even worse.  There were lots of those not so nice underhanded comments like she's good for.  She's pretty much fine most of the time but if she's got something on her mind, watch out.  Always with a smile, always so sweet...  <br /><br />Thanks. Bitch.<br /><br />Ooopsy, did I just say that? <br /><br />I didn't say anything to hubby.  He's not a mamma's boy and is very critical about things she says.  He won't say anything to her though, so my reporting just adds to his stress. And if he does it'll be so utterly sarcastic and ridiculous that it'll just add to her fire against me.  Have I mentioned communication isn't his strong suit?<br /><br />So we went to an Italian restaurant we like.  It's kinda far and it's pricy so it's a rare treat.  It's not the typical Italian place with grapes painted on the walls and an air of pretentiousness.  It's kinda over the top vintage, almost like an old speakeasy or something.  <br /><br />We didn't talk.  At all.  It was bizarre.  We watched people, which I love to do, but I like talking about them and he's not into that.  There were bits of talk, like about when we've got to be back home and if I remembered to pay a bill - that of course I'd neglected to take care of.  Even small talk seemed forced and I kind of gave up.  It was terribly upsetting.  I did enjoy the company of some lovely white wine and an overly friendly waiter.<br /><br />For the last few years, my thoughts are always wavering between making this marriage work and just keeping the peace until it's financially feasible to move on.  But he's a good man and the grass is rarely greener anyway.  We do have good times and he isn't trying to be a jerk, least I don't think he is.<br /><br />I got thinking while sitting in near silence.  I'm waaaay too good at thinking.  Which means I'm bad at thinking.  Or that nothing good can come from it.<br /><br />Maybe he's thinking the same thing.  Maybe he's just buying time until he can move on.<br /><br />He pretends there's nothing wrong and won't ever acknowledge anything I say to the contrary... but am I digging my own grave by pointing out what a shrew I am?  Is there a big secret score board in his head?  Why won't he tell me the score?  Why won't he tell me specifically how the score got there?  Are we on different teams?  <br /><br />I've always been thinking if I left, he'd be completely blindsided.  Even though I've been trying to talk about things, he's not hearing a word of it.  I wouldn't want to hurt him like that.  But maybe he is hearing every word of it and I'm just writing myself out of the picture. So I'd be the one blindsided.<br /><br />How did we get to this point of not being able to have a pleasant dinner together?  And if he is miserable why won't he try to be un-miserable?<br /><br />Or am I just being a girl?  Am I reading into it too much?  Maybe he was just thinking about work...<br /><br />We walked around after, mostly because we didn't have to be home yet.  Lots of shops and brick walkways and fountains and stuff around there.  He let me put my fingers into his hand that was halfway in his pocket.  So not really holding hands but he was tolerating my presence in his space.  It's nice to get that closeness sometimes!!!  It's not often that I'm allowed to initiate touching, especially in public so even though it sounds weird it's big to me.<br /><br />Which of course then had my thoughts thinking in more positive ways as we walked around almost like other couples do.  It felt good, walking about half a step behind him, letting him choose which way we went and which shops we went into.<br /><br />Back home, sent his mother packing, and then... nothing.  He sat on the couch with a tv show he knows I dislike.  I did all my nighttime stuff for the kids and dog and whatnot.  I asked if he wanted to come to bed with me.  No.<br /><br /><b><u>Tuesday</u></b><br />In the morning everybody was ready fast and it left us time to eat breakfast together.  I got almost 8 hours of sleep and I think gramma had a "be good" talk with the kids before bed.  It was strangely relaxed.  <br /><br />Until I screwed it up.<br /><br />I'd planned to ask him at the restaurant and didn't.  Morning somehow seemed a good time.<br /><br />I want a lot of things, obviously, but he's not receptive and I can say about myself that I am not a nag.  One thing - that was my new plan.  Tell me one thing that you need/want me to do each day and I'll make sure I do it.  I'll continue to find a way to muddle through the rest of it.  Just give me a focus, give me something I can do for you. <br /><br />It needn't be personal.  Between all our businesses, there's always a massive list of things that need to be taken care of.  Much is very quick and easy.  My brain isn't currently capable of prioritizing anything, so tell me what matters to you today and I'll do it.  Something from the many lists, something you just thought of, whatever.  Let me help you.<br /><br />Silence.<br /><br />Is he thinking about what he needs?  Is he tuning me out?  WTF?<br /><br />I finished getting ready, came back to the kitchen and asked again, "Is there anything you'd like me to take care of today?"<br /><br />Silence.<br /><br />I've been up and down in a whirlwind of emotions.  I'd walled myself off from Mr. Grumpy and accidentally let him in a little again.  Showed my soft underbelly and got stomped on it.<br /><br />And so without a word, I left for the day. <br /><b><br /></b><b><u>Wednesday</u></b><br />As I was packing up to leave in the morning, he said he'd appreciate it if i could do this one little thing.  A google search to see if a work-related product is available in our area of the state.  It took me just a few seconds.<br /><br />He stared at me dumbfounded.  Didn't say thank you, I don't think he said anything actually.  Perhaps that's what happens to people in shock.  He didn't faint though.  <br /><br />"Okay, I'm heading out now.  Let me know if you need anything else."<br /><br /><u><b>Thursday (today)</b></u><br />Today, I was sent out the door with three things on a list that must be done today.  Equally tiny, equally stupid things.<br /><br />Maybe this is a breakthrough for him?  Cannot wrap my mind around why it's so hard.  Personal stuff, I understand his reservations of leading us.  But business stuff?  He's my boss lol.  Whatever... just a nice settled feeling.<br /><br />Wish I understood why I need this from him...

Ups and Downs

This is a few days worth of ups and downs.  I'd start writing, not finish, then life would turn another way.  Wanted to keep it all on h...

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