Winter and Masturbation...They Both Grow Old

<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7tmMVYyt-Cn1guKtL-gl6m3Wa6Q9tA5uX9yinWeIvBzhFeUlcATdzcrNWNYNTToWpIntVHwLnR0PxD3dujzVo7yS2rf8kJH9FZ1Jj-hcomCVc_9Rfq4Bsxoy4Zc829s_dVePb-7Ej-cI/s1600/Hot+Woman+Masturbating.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7tmMVYyt-Cn1guKtL-gl6m3Wa6Q9tA5uX9yinWeIvBzhFeUlcATdzcrNWNYNTToWpIntVHwLnR0PxD3dujzVo7yS2rf8kJH9FZ1Jj-hcomCVc_9Rfq4Bsxoy4Zc829s_dVePb-7Ej-cI/s400/Hot+Woman+Masturbating.jpg" width="366" /></a></div>cheers chuckleheads!!<br /><br />Did that greeting sound, or read, like I forced it?<br /><br />Well it should.<br /><br />Poor ol’ Matty Boy is under the weather emotionally…Literally.  I have had enough of winter…especially <i>this</i> winter.<br /><br />This winter drags on and on without significant snowfall or arctic temps.  It continues to be merely a quasi-cold, dreary, and gray winter, and yet clings to and tortures my soul and good nature like grim death.<br /><br />And?  It somewhat mirrors where my life is right now, especially as to where my lack of sex life is concerned.<br /><br />Listen…My BFF/OSP, and compadre Schmoop got very sick back in October.  And while her illness is no longer life-threatening, she had major surgery and still has an obnoxious tube jutting from her stomach.<br /><br />It’s been five months and will be at least six months when all is said and done before I can once again touch her in the biblical sense.<br /><br />And that’s predicated on the fact she’ll once again allow me to “touch her!!”  Which?  Always remains in question once she is free from her bile duct tube bondage.<br /><br />Anyhoo…<br /><br />With the lovely Schmoop sexually incapacitated over lo these many winter months, I have had to seek an alternative method of sexual fulfillment, namely, masturbation.  And you know what?<br /><br />It’s just not doing it for me anymore.  It’s kinda like how I feel about winter itself.<br /><br />I LOVE summer, but I still in my advanced years, get excited about the first snowfall.  It’s all pure, clean, and pretty, and then…after a few, long, turgid months of the alabaster shit, I am ready for the grass to once again grow green.<br /><br />It’s been the same way about masturbating these past few months with Schmoop on injured reserve.  Sure the first few times were pretty cool, because I was envisioning dorking Tyra Banks, Kate Upton, and Jon Meachem, but lately?<br /><br />As the winter grows long, so do the cramps in my hand and the callouses upon my penis, and my thoughts have turned to cheap and tawdry masturbation.<br /><br />Due to the dreariness of this Ohio winter, in the morning when I awake and see yet another gray and melancholy sky…I touch myself and think of dirty, unwashed chicks like, Kristen Stewart and Amy Winehouse.<br /><br />It’s just…not…right.  Especially the Amy Winehouse thing because she’s dead and it’s like I’m participating in some kind of Haitian necrophilia masturbation, voodoo ceremony.<br /><br />Ick…<br /><br />I long for Spring and its verdant and awe-inspiring colors, because if Schmoop still has the tube in her, I can at least jack-off in a better and more hopeful mood, and envision myself having a three-way with Kate Upton and Tyra Banks.<br /><br />That would be nice.<br /><br />So…During this Lenten Season, could you all say a prayer for me?  I have given up Rose.  I have given up Steel Reserve, and by de facto dictate I have given up sex, because, listen….<br /><br />My hand is tired of me; I am tired of my hand, and Schmoop’s tube isn't coming out for another few weeks. So...help a brutha out and pray for me.  Aight?<br /><br /><i>Cheers!!</i><br /><i><br /></i><i>Matt-Man</i><br /><br /><i><a href="mailto:mattmaniws@ymail.com">mattmaniws@ymail.com</a></i><br /><i><a href="https://twitter.com/MattMan_IWS" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">@mattman_iws</span></a></i><br /><br />Annnnnnd, if you missed Jayman and I yesterday LIVE on Blog Talk Radio, you can catch us in the archives. We talked Chuck Hagel, Seth MacFarlane, the Oscars, and cunts!!  It was awesome!!<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><object classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.adobe.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,0,0" height="105" id="143577" name="143577" width="210"><param name="movie" value="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/btrplayer.swf?file=http://www.blogtalkradio.com%2Fplaylist.aspx%3Fshow_id%3D4468385&autostart=false&bufferlength=5&volume=80&corner=rounded&callback=http://www.blogtalkradio.com/flashplayercallback.aspx" /><param name="quality" value="high" /><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><param name="menu" value="false" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><embed src="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/btrplayer.swf" flashvars="file=http://www.blogtalkradio.com%2Fplaylist.aspx%3Fshow_id%3D4468385&autostart=false&shuffle=false&callback=http://www.blogtalkradio.com/FlashPlayerCallback.aspx&width=210&height=105&volume=80&corner=rounded" width="210" height="105" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" quality="high" wmode="transparent" menu="false" name="143577" id="143577" allowScriptAccess="always"></embed></object></div><div style="font-size: 10px; text-align: center; width: 220px;"><br /></div></div>

Winter and Masturbation...They Both Grow Old

cheers chuckleheads!! Did that greeting sound, or read, like I forced it? Well it should. Poor ol’ Matty Boy is under the weather emotionall...

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